In fact, for a while in the middle, I was doing pretty fucking terribly.
I had all these good intentions at the beginning, plans and ideas and Things That Would Work. Obviously, didn't. And a waver towards the #emmaismad didn't help, even though it didn't become a full on attack (or hasn't become, but hopefully we're back in control of that).
I am going on holiday next weekend, and I can't wait to be away with him and out of this town and enjoying each other's company somewhere away from HERE. We're going to Alton Towers, too, which is so so exciting. And he's asked if we can spend half a day at the Water World.
Swimwear. !!!
I do now think I've got my head around the idea. I've bought myself a new swimsuit online last night which hopefully I won't hate myself in. I do enjoy swimming and being in the water but in a water park, there's a lot of time spent out of the water and queueing - that's the bit that's freaking me out. Right-now-this-evening I'm more excited about spending time doing something silly and playful with the boy and can't remember the anxiety I went through when he first said he'd like to do that. Which is strange, as that swimming pool promise ahead is what's driving the past two days' worth of "healthy" eating (for a given value of "healthy" - which others may disagree with) and if the anxiety has gone, why am I torturing myself?
Hmm.
Yesterday. (What I remember, anyway. I'm 99% sure I'm right.)
A nutrigrain bar. 5 slices of packet-ham. Tablespoon of Philadelphia with ~5 carrots. Tin of beans and sausages. 1 litre bottle of sparkling fruit water. 2 lucozade at work.
Today.
Onken yoghurt with a handful of cereal bits and 3 raisins. Half a nutrigrain bar. A 179 calorie pasta pot. A large handful of carrot sticks with a (heaped) teaspoon of Philadelphia cheese. A banana. 2/3 of a cereal bowl of special fried rice, 3 pork balls, 5 prawn crackers. 2 bottles of lucozade at work. Half a glass of cherryade tonight. Lots of water through the day.
Right now, writing things down isn't so helpful, or if it is I've got to keep every day separate and not look at any two together- the very fact that today's list fills four text lines whereas Friday was 2 is making my silly brain say "that means you ate twice as much, you ___". Not very smart. Even though nothing on that list is terrible, really. Except the lucozade, but after tomorrow I won't be having any more of that anyway.
The other thing that's noteworthy are the diet pills. I've got meal replacement protein bars that I find it very difficult to eat (they're too chewy, and it triggers a weird anxiety gag reflex thing) but that I'll probably start leaving in my desk at work anyway, just in case temptation starts kicking in? I need to take another pill tonight but I've eaten now, and they have to go on an empty stomach. I don't know if they're doing anything but I figure it can't hurt to take them anyway. (I'm a bit worried that all the confusion and mental flailing I've been doing are admittedly probably PMS but exacerbated by whatever-the-hell is in these tablets?) There are two sets of scales in this house, and a full half stone in difference on my weight between the two. One of them would be somewhat understandable. I know I've gained weight, so the lower one would still be ludicrously high but sort of make sense somehow. The other one, half a stone more, would be the highest weight I have EVER been and would make me want to cry and hide and never be naked again. Let alone naked with the boyfriend looking/touching or nearly-naked in swimwear. And a chunk of me is convinced that I'm so big and disgusting and flabby that the top one is the more likely explanation.
I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes? I keep telling people that the swimsuit carrot diet is just that, and only going to last until I'm on holiday, but I think I'm hoping my stomach (as in, the organ) will shrink and that I'll not want to eat huge things again, ever. Or that I'll forget how much I like bread and cake and all those things and they just won't be on my radar any more?
