I'm having a really rough time. It might only be rough in my head, with minimal external factors, but it's still not going well for me.
Today at work I was treated rather badly and got horribly angry (went with a genuine question and request for guidance on an issue which was rather stressful, not my usual field, and ever so slightly urgent; got "you're a bright girl, you'll figure it out" from my direct manager quickly followed by "you go away and find a solution, then come back and we'll rip it to shreds!" from his manager/the GM) and I am generally exhausted.
I've been lamenting that there aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to, that'd make me feel accomplished and productive and like I'm using my time in a worthwhile way. I hate my job at the moment, but I hope that won't last - though then I find myself thinking, surely liking your job is not essential, as long as you earn enough to live comfortably and do the things that provide happiness in other spheres? You work to live, not live to work, as the old adage goes?
Since I've been home I've read There's More to Life Than Being Happy - The Atlantic - a very interesting article on finding meaning in one's existence. It's definitely got me thinking. What are the things that are important to me? What is my meaning and purpose? What am I supposed to be doing?
Recently a certain amount of the suicidal ideology has crept back into the back of my thoughts - my (medical) hormonal situation always has had a disproportionately large impact on the state of my mental health, and the past 6 weeks have been no exception. On top of which, 32 days of constant and often debilitating pain do not lend themselves to positivity! The pain appears to have subsided now (thankfully) but the blues have not yet entirely cleared. It's a good time to assess putting into place the structures I want to try and follow in the near future to create happiness on my own terms, particularly if circumstances are against me. But are the things that make me happy meaningful ones?
I want to spend at least one night a week practising music, because later in the year I want to join an orchestra again. I got back in touch with an old music master, with a view to enquiring about local choirs, and he's actually setting up a chamber group himself and would love me to participate. My boyfriend and I are going tap dancing classes as of next week (as long as our shoes arrive in time!) and once the weather is warmer I want to start horse riding again. I'm getting my tattoo finished on February 5th. We're going on a holiday (short break) early March. Last week I bought a car. I'd like to plan to do more sewing, though not sure when. My OU course is going well enough. All of these are Good Things.
But perhaps it is the lack of meaning and purpose which is making everything still so feel so bleak. Or maybe it's that I hate my job and that my hormones still aren't settled. I just want to cheer up soon.
