Brownies and raspberry cream

Tonight I made us the sw recipe chocolate brownies. They're 7 syns a serving, but the slices are quite large and it definitely feels like you're getting a proper dessert! The tartness of the raspberry cream really complements it, too; though the recipe said strawberry I prefer raspberries myself (and didn't give boyfriend the choice!)

Think I'll make them again, but I wish they were more chocolatey. Not sure how I can do that without upping the syns, but I do like a challenge.

Yep, these weren't bad at all. :)

SW Week Two

Well, I went to group and got weighed again. I was very nervous - I've been ill all week and eating really rather badly at least once a day. There was my brother's leaving dinner (Chinese - delicious, but not terribly good for you (though we did our research first and choose the dishes we liked that were the most SW friendly, which turned out to be prawns with ginger and spring onion, salt and chili squid, with plain rice and just a couple of prawn crackers each)), then the next day I was incredibly stressed and bought us kebabs and pizza from the takeaway shop, then the next day I got through a whole packet of biscuits in the office, then another day we were tired and in a hurry so grabbed fish and chips en route to where we were going... the list goes on, really, and none of that made me terribly hopeful about group!

Except that I lost 2lbs. She says to not try and replicate this week (!!!) but that it's about balance, and if the rest of the time I am treating myself well then a few events of gluttony aren't going to destroy it. Which is nice to know. I don't want to think I can allow myself these things and not worry at all, but if it happens it happens. No need to get upset.

So, it's so far so good.

Today a big Tesco delivery arrived (seriously, biggest delivery ever) and we're going to be set for the next little while. I'm making brownies later too, and I hope they're a success! My pre-diet brownies were sort of legendary, so these really need to compete! And because we'd had supplies arrive, we got smoked salmon salad for lunch.

The cottage cheese based potato salad (herbs, lemon juice) might only be half a syn but is not something I'm ever going to be making again. Texture is all wrong. Didn't think I liked cottage cheese anyway, but this has reassured me I definitely do not. No thanks!

And to top it all off, this is what boyfriend came back from the supermarket with. Twelve pink roses, and earlier that afternoon he bought the most delightfully scented cherry candle. I love the ones in jars like that.

I am a very lucky girl indeed, and one who is apparently going to continue shrinking. I was talking to someone this morning about my mental health - basically telling 2008/9 me to look at where we are now and 'suck it'. Hee. But it's true. There are so many thousand times more good days than bad, now, and I've got a great job and an amazing boyfriend to snuggle and love and a cute flat and a much sunnier outlook on things. I even instigated conversation with women at the group today, of my own accord. I would never have dreamed of doing that before.

I hope this lasts forever.

Comfort Eating

I feel terrible and I want to eat everything. I want cake and chocolate and biscuits or a combination of all three.

I'm not sure when I learnt to recognise that I want to eat everything because I want to hide from how incredibly stressed I am today/at the moment. I'm probably not actually genuinely hungry.

Today has been the closest I've come to opening the emergency chocolate bar stashed in my lunchbox. At 13.5 syns I really don't want to eat it, but it's there for those occasions where you need to. I snapped the squares up inside the packet, believing I'd open it and have half (therefore half the syns and less to worry about) and then I put it down again.

I'm glad I chose against it. I think I might have to abstain from all chocolate for a while, until I trust myself around it.

So this is what I've got instead, at my desk where absolutely no work is happening (that blank page on the right? Should be full of notes by now, and an essay structure, or at least some kind of progress) - a bowl of raspberries, banana and yoghurt.

I can't say I don't still want the cake and chocolate and biscuits, but at least I know I'm not hungry now. And I can try and fool myself into being proud of being virtuous. 

I hope I remember these things over the next many weeks, because the stress levels are only going to increase. I already don't know how I'm going to manage and this is the first time I've really felt it so far. With the essays coming up it's going to get worse and worse. The emotional support I've got here is second to none, and I appreciate it more than I've got words for, but in practical terms I really don't know who to approach for advice on these essays I appear incapable of doing. (I do this every time. I get worked up, I panic, and I decide I can't do anything and must run away/drop out. And every other time so far I've ended up pulling it out of the bag and sailing through, great marks, no problem. I'm terrified this is the time that doesn't work, that I'm right in worrying, and I really can't do this.)

But I've made more Italian Chicken and Bacon soup for lunch at work this week, so at least there's that. 2 weeks today until this essay is due. I wonder how many times I'm going to not-eat-the-chocolate between now and then.

Half Syn Roulade

Om nom nom nom nom!

This afternoon I made the 'half syn roulade' for us to gorge ourselves on this evening. My success at this week's group means we needed something to celebrate, right?! (Any excuse will do, for cake. Any. Excuse. At. All.)

It's got a strange texture, and I can't decide if that's because I did something wrong or if it's because it's not really a cake at all. I decided against lemon because I didn't want to alter the recipe on my first attempt, as I wasn't sure that I knew how to fix it if I accidentally made it too wet - I know how to solve that on a normal cake, but not a nearly syn free one! (Fun fact: the only syn value in the cake comes from a teaspoon full of baking powder. I wonder why baking powder has a value?)

It's tasty though. We'll try lemon tomorrow ;)

SW Week One

I've decided that this little blog is the best way to keep spam off my Facebook and Twitter profiles and not bore all my friends to death!

Today was my first weigh in at Slimming World. We went to our first class last week, as I said already, and so this morning I saw the results of this week. I've lost 3.5lbs! :)

I didn't know what to expect - my friend lost 7 her first week, another last 2. I'm almost disappointed by mine, but it's sustainable, I hope, and we've enjoyed this week.

And we've eaten really well. Those cupcakes are chocolate and berry - and very delicious! I came home from work one night to a full roast pork dinner with balsamic roasted baby carrots and red onion, roast potatoes and the biggest mountain of broccoli and mangetout you've ever seen - and best of all, it's all 'free' foods: we'll have gravy next time, which is just 1 syn (of your daily 5-15) but yum yum yum. We even had chicken and chips for free, and because it's all home made I'm getting the satisfaction of cooking once more.

Happy times. Here's to next week - another 2.5lbs takes me into the next weight bracket, 3.5lbs would be half a stone!

I'm making a lemon roulade tonight to celebrate - 1/2 a syn for the whole thing (but we'll just have a slice each.... maybe!)

ETA I was thinking about starting a separate blog, to start afresh, but I've reread old posts and now I think it's important to keep them there, as a reminder of where I'm coming from. I hope these continue to be much more positive steps.

October 2nd

Well it's been a while.

I'm going to Slimming World tomorrow after crying at my boyfriend and deciding not to eat last night. (Actually, the arrangement was made with my friends to go to the class last week. I was just unsure whether I'd go or not, or if I liked being me.)

Life is pretty good. My boyfriend is fabulous and we've just had a lovely trip to Scotland to his family. It was really wonderful. I am a creature of the wilds and my little pagan spirit feels most at home in the vast landscapes and untamed land in every direction. His family are also lovely; we all got on well I think. And I didn't care about my weight at all, other than when photos were taken (or not, if I refused them!) but I had a brilliant time still.

Not sure how I feel, now, though. I'm worried that going to a slimming class will erode the tiny flickering flame of confidence I've got simmering (I don't always dislike how I look, it might not even be the majority of the time any more - until photos happen), I'm worried I'll become obsessive to extremes and that I'll punish myself if I 'fail' and I'm worried that it won't work and I'll always be fat.

It's just that sometimes I think being 'fat' doesn't matter, and I'm beautiful enough to get by anyway. Boyfriend thinks that, friends think that. So maybe it'll be okay. Maybe it'll be a nice social thing and I'll get some new recipes too.

We'll see.