SW Week 7: A Return

I am rereading my old posts with an ache in my chest.

I'd actually been doing really well. I got my certificate the week before last, after reaching my half stone award, and had actually lost 8.5lbs. I was so proud of myself. I tweeted the certificate, I showed everyone, I was bouncing all over the place.

Then I didn't go the week after, because I had a deadline the next day I was very unlikely to meet and needed to not spend two hours of my day out of the house and not working. The week after, having not had that incentive that Wednesday plus the added bonus of going to London for the weekend for my best friend's birthday (including beer and cakes), I didn't focus on Slimming World at all.

I went today, and in two weeks of returning to my old food habits and not thinking consciously about my choices at all, I have regained more than half of what I'd lost.

I cried a lot last night before going today, because I knew I'd have gained something and I was terrified of how much. In my heart I knew to expect 4lbs, ish. I knew what I'd been eating, and I know my body is 'used' to being fat and that giving it the sugar it wants and is used to will help it get back to its comfortable former size. Losing weight is a lot of work.

I've gained 4.5lbs in 2 weeks. I can't imagine the size I would be if I did that indefinitely. It's horrible. But I'm also devastated to have sabotaged my progress like this.

Week commencing the 5th November I was on top of the world. The little blip the fortnight before that was a mere 0.5lb gain during my period, which is something I have medical issue with anyway - if I have to gain 0.5-1lb one week a month, as long as it comes off again afterwards, I'll never beat myself up over that. I have bigger problems to worry about that week. In general the trend was definitely on the right track. I was enjoying it, and encouraged to see progress.

I am now practically back to where I started.

I suppose once I stop being so upset I'll make some plans for the week, rather than excuses - recipes I want to cook, and things to make in to be in the fridge ready, and no more cakes/treats/fun things. It's always easier at home, anyway - which in and of itself makes me worry about Christmas already, as that's another 2 weeks away from here and away from situations in which I am in control of the catering - I don't think I can cope with another instance like this.

Our group leader says she'll text me in the week. I hope she does. I nearly decided to walk away from the whole project last night, when I was in floods of tears and unable to explain to my very worried boyfriend why I was so upset.

I don't really want to give up, but I can't go through this again. Harder work needs to happen, and today I am too tired for that. He's made dinner (I'd be lost without him) and then it's back down to me to make this happen for myself.

Brownies and raspberry cream

Tonight I made us the sw recipe chocolate brownies. They're 7 syns a serving, but the slices are quite large and it definitely feels like you're getting a proper dessert! The tartness of the raspberry cream really complements it, too; though the recipe said strawberry I prefer raspberries myself (and didn't give boyfriend the choice!)

Think I'll make them again, but I wish they were more chocolatey. Not sure how I can do that without upping the syns, but I do like a challenge.

Yep, these weren't bad at all. :)

SW Week Two

Well, I went to group and got weighed again. I was very nervous - I've been ill all week and eating really rather badly at least once a day. There was my brother's leaving dinner (Chinese - delicious, but not terribly good for you (though we did our research first and choose the dishes we liked that were the most SW friendly, which turned out to be prawns with ginger and spring onion, salt and chili squid, with plain rice and just a couple of prawn crackers each)), then the next day I was incredibly stressed and bought us kebabs and pizza from the takeaway shop, then the next day I got through a whole packet of biscuits in the office, then another day we were tired and in a hurry so grabbed fish and chips en route to where we were going... the list goes on, really, and none of that made me terribly hopeful about group!

Except that I lost 2lbs. She says to not try and replicate this week (!!!) but that it's about balance, and if the rest of the time I am treating myself well then a few events of gluttony aren't going to destroy it. Which is nice to know. I don't want to think I can allow myself these things and not worry at all, but if it happens it happens. No need to get upset.

So, it's so far so good.

Today a big Tesco delivery arrived (seriously, biggest delivery ever) and we're going to be set for the next little while. I'm making brownies later too, and I hope they're a success! My pre-diet brownies were sort of legendary, so these really need to compete! And because we'd had supplies arrive, we got smoked salmon salad for lunch.

The cottage cheese based potato salad (herbs, lemon juice) might only be half a syn but is not something I'm ever going to be making again. Texture is all wrong. Didn't think I liked cottage cheese anyway, but this has reassured me I definitely do not. No thanks!

And to top it all off, this is what boyfriend came back from the supermarket with. Twelve pink roses, and earlier that afternoon he bought the most delightfully scented cherry candle. I love the ones in jars like that.

I am a very lucky girl indeed, and one who is apparently going to continue shrinking. I was talking to someone this morning about my mental health - basically telling 2008/9 me to look at where we are now and 'suck it'. Hee. But it's true. There are so many thousand times more good days than bad, now, and I've got a great job and an amazing boyfriend to snuggle and love and a cute flat and a much sunnier outlook on things. I even instigated conversation with women at the group today, of my own accord. I would never have dreamed of doing that before.

I hope this lasts forever.

Comfort Eating

I feel terrible and I want to eat everything. I want cake and chocolate and biscuits or a combination of all three.

I'm not sure when I learnt to recognise that I want to eat everything because I want to hide from how incredibly stressed I am today/at the moment. I'm probably not actually genuinely hungry.

Today has been the closest I've come to opening the emergency chocolate bar stashed in my lunchbox. At 13.5 syns I really don't want to eat it, but it's there for those occasions where you need to. I snapped the squares up inside the packet, believing I'd open it and have half (therefore half the syns and less to worry about) and then I put it down again.

I'm glad I chose against it. I think I might have to abstain from all chocolate for a while, until I trust myself around it.

So this is what I've got instead, at my desk where absolutely no work is happening (that blank page on the right? Should be full of notes by now, and an essay structure, or at least some kind of progress) - a bowl of raspberries, banana and yoghurt.

I can't say I don't still want the cake and chocolate and biscuits, but at least I know I'm not hungry now. And I can try and fool myself into being proud of being virtuous. 

I hope I remember these things over the next many weeks, because the stress levels are only going to increase. I already don't know how I'm going to manage and this is the first time I've really felt it so far. With the essays coming up it's going to get worse and worse. The emotional support I've got here is second to none, and I appreciate it more than I've got words for, but in practical terms I really don't know who to approach for advice on these essays I appear incapable of doing. (I do this every time. I get worked up, I panic, and I decide I can't do anything and must run away/drop out. And every other time so far I've ended up pulling it out of the bag and sailing through, great marks, no problem. I'm terrified this is the time that doesn't work, that I'm right in worrying, and I really can't do this.)

But I've made more Italian Chicken and Bacon soup for lunch at work this week, so at least there's that. 2 weeks today until this essay is due. I wonder how many times I'm going to not-eat-the-chocolate between now and then.

Half Syn Roulade

Om nom nom nom nom!

This afternoon I made the 'half syn roulade' for us to gorge ourselves on this evening. My success at this week's group means we needed something to celebrate, right?! (Any excuse will do, for cake. Any. Excuse. At. All.)

It's got a strange texture, and I can't decide if that's because I did something wrong or if it's because it's not really a cake at all. I decided against lemon because I didn't want to alter the recipe on my first attempt, as I wasn't sure that I knew how to fix it if I accidentally made it too wet - I know how to solve that on a normal cake, but not a nearly syn free one! (Fun fact: the only syn value in the cake comes from a teaspoon full of baking powder. I wonder why baking powder has a value?)

It's tasty though. We'll try lemon tomorrow ;)

SW Week One

I've decided that this little blog is the best way to keep spam off my Facebook and Twitter profiles and not bore all my friends to death!

Today was my first weigh in at Slimming World. We went to our first class last week, as I said already, and so this morning I saw the results of this week. I've lost 3.5lbs! :)

I didn't know what to expect - my friend lost 7 her first week, another last 2. I'm almost disappointed by mine, but it's sustainable, I hope, and we've enjoyed this week.

And we've eaten really well. Those cupcakes are chocolate and berry - and very delicious! I came home from work one night to a full roast pork dinner with balsamic roasted baby carrots and red onion, roast potatoes and the biggest mountain of broccoli and mangetout you've ever seen - and best of all, it's all 'free' foods: we'll have gravy next time, which is just 1 syn (of your daily 5-15) but yum yum yum. We even had chicken and chips for free, and because it's all home made I'm getting the satisfaction of cooking once more.

Happy times. Here's to next week - another 2.5lbs takes me into the next weight bracket, 3.5lbs would be half a stone!

I'm making a lemon roulade tonight to celebrate - 1/2 a syn for the whole thing (but we'll just have a slice each.... maybe!)

ETA I was thinking about starting a separate blog, to start afresh, but I've reread old posts and now I think it's important to keep them there, as a reminder of where I'm coming from. I hope these continue to be much more positive steps.

October 2nd

Well it's been a while.

I'm going to Slimming World tomorrow after crying at my boyfriend and deciding not to eat last night. (Actually, the arrangement was made with my friends to go to the class last week. I was just unsure whether I'd go or not, or if I liked being me.)

Life is pretty good. My boyfriend is fabulous and we've just had a lovely trip to Scotland to his family. It was really wonderful. I am a creature of the wilds and my little pagan spirit feels most at home in the vast landscapes and untamed land in every direction. His family are also lovely; we all got on well I think. And I didn't care about my weight at all, other than when photos were taken (or not, if I refused them!) but I had a brilliant time still.

Not sure how I feel, now, though. I'm worried that going to a slimming class will erode the tiny flickering flame of confidence I've got simmering (I don't always dislike how I look, it might not even be the majority of the time any more - until photos happen), I'm worried I'll become obsessive to extremes and that I'll punish myself if I 'fail' and I'm worried that it won't work and I'll always be fat.

It's just that sometimes I think being 'fat' doesn't matter, and I'm beautiful enough to get by anyway. Boyfriend thinks that, friends think that. So maybe it'll be okay. Maybe it'll be a nice social thing and I'll get some new recipes too.

We'll see.

Unrelated: Nails

I love nail polish. Any of you that know me in person have seen my many and various nail art attempts, from the flowers to the ombre to the ever-elusive french manicure.

I want to win this giveaway more than anything in the world right now. Look at it! It's beautiful!

And everything that's done on Polish and Portals is amazing, too. It's my new favourite blog.

June 16th

So I've really not been doing well at loving my body, treating it right, and making progress on the path towards making it the shape I want it to be or simply making it healthier.

In fact, for a while in the middle, I was doing pretty fucking terribly.

I had all these good intentions at the beginning, plans and ideas and Things That Would Work. Obviously, didn't. And a waver towards the #emmaismad didn't help, even though it didn't become a full on attack (or hasn't become, but hopefully we're back in control of that).

I am going on holiday next weekend, and I can't wait to be away with him and out of this town and enjoying each other's company somewhere away from HERE. We're going to Alton Towers, too, which is so so exciting. And he's asked if we can spend half a day at the Water World.

Swimwear. !!!

I do now think I've got my head around the idea. I've bought myself  a new swimsuit online last night which hopefully I won't hate myself in. I do enjoy swimming and being in the water but in a water park, there's a lot of time spent out of the water and queueing - that's the bit that's freaking me out. Right-now-this-evening I'm more excited about spending time doing something silly and playful with the boy and can't remember the anxiety I went through when he first said he'd like to do that. Which is strange, as that swimming pool promise ahead is what's driving the past two days' worth of "healthy" eating (for a given value of "healthy" - which others may disagree with) and if the anxiety has gone, why am I torturing myself?

Hmm.

Yesterday. (What I remember, anyway. I'm 99% sure I'm right.)

A nutrigrain bar. 5 slices of packet-ham. Tablespoon of Philadelphia with ~5 carrots. Tin of beans and sausages. 1 litre bottle of sparkling fruit water. 2 lucozade at work.  

Today.

 Onken yoghurt with a handful of cereal bits and 3 raisins. Half a nutrigrain bar. A 179 calorie pasta pot. A large handful of carrot sticks with a (heaped) teaspoon of Philadelphia cheese. A banana. 2/3 of a cereal bowl of special fried rice, 3 pork balls, 5 prawn crackers. 2 bottles of lucozade at work. Half a glass of cherryade tonight. Lots of water through the day.

Right now, writing things down isn't so helpful, or if it is I've got to keep every day separate and not look at any two together- the very fact that today's list fills four text lines whereas Friday was 2 is making my silly brain say "that means you ate twice as much, you ___". Not very smart. Even though nothing on that list is terrible, really. Except the lucozade, but after tomorrow I won't be having any more of that anyway.

The other thing that's noteworthy are the diet pills. I've got meal replacement protein bars that I find it very difficult to eat (they're too chewy, and it triggers a weird anxiety gag reflex thing) but that I'll probably start leaving in my desk at work anyway, just in case temptation starts kicking in? I need to take another pill tonight but I've eaten now, and they have to go on an empty stomach. I don't know if they're doing anything but I figure it can't hurt to take them anyway. (I'm a bit worried that all the confusion and mental flailing I've been doing are admittedly probably PMS but exacerbated by whatever-the-hell is in these tablets?)  There are two sets of scales in this house, and a full half stone in difference on my weight between the two. One of them would be somewhat understandable. I know I've gained weight, so the lower one would still be ludicrously high but sort of make sense somehow. The other one, half a stone more, would be the highest weight I have EVER been and would make me want to cry and hide and never be naked again. Let alone naked with the boyfriend looking/touching or nearly-naked in swimwear. And a chunk of me is convinced that I'm so big and disgusting and flabby that the top one is the more likely explanation.

I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes? I keep telling people that the swimsuit carrot diet is just that, and only going to last until I'm on holiday, but I think I'm hoping my stomach (as in, the organ) will shrink and that I'll not want to eat huge things again, ever. Or that I'll forget how much I like bread and cake and all those things and they just won't be on my radar any more?

#emmaismad

So, that nice healthy bandwagon I was on? It's lost its wheels. And the driver abandoned it. And the horses ran away. And all those kind of doom and gloomy things.

This isn't supposed to be a blog about my mental health. I'm supposed to be writing about food, here, and the new and increasingly shiny relationship I've got (or am making) with my body. And I can't do that right now.

These are the kinds of crazinesses I'm ashamed to talk about. I've gone a bit mad, I think. In the food sense, anyway. I want to be thin NOW. I want the willpower to be anorexic. I'm aware that that's an absolutely horrific thing to say but it's true, and this is my space for honesty here. I made myself sick on Saturday night when my brother was cruel about the way I eat (too noisily? disgustingly?) and whilst I know it wasn't a full purge it's still not something that needs to be happening. I am not able to write the records for the past few days as I've got no idea what I ate. And I'm probably too embarrassed to write it out anyway.

I do wish I could just stop eating. In my defence, I'm having all of these thoughts but not actually indulging in the behaviours too much. I'm not being great, I know, but it could be worse. I'm clinging to that. I'm going to work with a bit of toast in the mornings (or porridge) at about 8:30 am, and I can manage until about 4 until not eating makes me feel ill. I usually take lunch, which is crisps and a pitta bread, but recently have been going to the shop and buying a whole world of food that's really bad for me (re: the doughnut binge in the work toilets, bacon and hotdogs) - and then a dinner when I'm at home probably 60% of the time. Sometimes I just buy food to eat on the way back. Sometimes I even buy something vaguely healthy. Normally not so much.

I don't like the decisions I'm making. I really want to be thin and beautiful.

I'm terrified that the chap I'm pursuing a flirtation with will think I'm hideous if he sees me naked. That he will is 99% certain, ha. I'm rather enjoying chatting and exchanging naughty messages with him, and when he's back in town in a couple of weeks we're going to go out. Play will ensue, I'm sure. Logically I know I've got no reason to worry. The other people I've pulled in town haven't been bothered. A wise lady told me that if you don't care about your size, and just approach everything with enthusiasm anyway and the same as any thin person would, no one else is going to be bothered. There's clearly a reason they've tried to get into your bed in the first place, right? Right. And he's got a kid, so he's probably slept with a fat girl before - pregnancy doesn't leave you a size 8 throughout, normally.

Usually I pursue people who have openly expressed interest in fat girls, those carrying a few (or more than a few) pounds, people who say they love a BBW. I don't call myself that, but at least those chasers are going to  find me attractive? Heh.

And the stinging from the healing of my brand is reminding me a lot of self injury pain, and it's really quite triggering on that front. Which isn't great. I'm definitely not about to go start hurting myself again - I enjoy too much the amusing fact that the last time I cut myself was the night of the last general election, when the Conservatives 'won', and I watched the results coming in from the various boroughs from the reception at A&E as I was getting glued back together. Awesome. Heh.

I really want to be thin, and beautiful. I bought new clothes again today and I know I look okay, but I just want to be thin. I feel like when I go out, people don't know what I'm hiding under my dresses and stuff, that my face is really rather lovely and I've got a relatively nice overall shape (also great boobs) but that no one is going to know about the folds and rolls and awful body hiding away and that they'll be shocked and disgusted when we're actually naked together.

*flail*

This is not the way that it's supposed to be.