Chocolate Cake?!

Yes indeed, my friends! We are making chocolate cake whilst on a healthy eating plan. It can be done (...we think..!)

In the terrible little teaser photo, you can see two things of note:

1. Our blender is older than we are. And yellow.
2. It looks just like 'real' chocolate cake mix (ie yummy)

Stay tuned! Full reveal - including the all important tasting! - and recipe tomorrow! :)

And for the record, that's not my hand!

SW Rice Pudding

Rice pudding! Syn free! Yum!

I'm calling it a success, at least, anyway. A combination of this Scottish Mum recipe and iVillage ideas for SW rice pudding recipes but with, as ever, a few ideas of my own thrown into the mix!

It's not as creamy as I might have liked, but I only had long grain rice in the cupboard - pudding rice is shorter and starchier, I believe, and that's part of what contributes to the creamy texture. Next time I'll use the right kind of rice and mess around with the sweetening - there are two kinds of artificial sweetener, I'm told, and one of them doesn't heat very well! So even with putting 7tbsps of sweetener into the mix, by the time it cooks to completion it's got very little sweetness at all. I added another tablespoonful when I served it, which was nice. I also followed the advice of one of the iVillage posts and added a spoonful of yoghurt to help the creaminess - definitely would like to try it in the future with some flavoured Mullerlights, or frozen fruit... but today, for now, the traditional: nutmeg and a dash of ginger, with a little lemon to complement the yoghurt creamy-smooth-sour-ness!

300g of long grain rice, 3/4pint of milk, 3/4 pint water, and sweetener, in the slow cooker on high for 3 hours. The recipes using pudding rice called for 4 oz, which I believe is about 100g. I would ordinarily add the nutmeg and some cinnamon into the cooking mix so the flavour really permeates, and will do that next time - today I wanted a blank canvas so I could experiment at the end.

And it was not bad at all. This Slimming World thing isn't so hard, eh? (Unless you're me, and forgot the last time you tried to make rice in the slow cooker, and how it sticks something chronic. Washing that is going to be FUN.)

Slimming World 'KFC'

Several Good Things happened today! Or rather, some 'things' (neutral) happened but we make the positive spin ;P

One genuine real good thing! I had another three hours work on my tattoo - we were going to finish it today as it doesn't need a lot more (some final shading to the mandala and the birds) but I had a funny low sugar turn and got very faint, causing an unplanned break, and my wonderful artist was himself exhausted and suggested we finish it off when he's refreshed rather than just power through. So stopping suited both of us. 

There's a whole story attached to it, but I'll save that for another time. The short hair is also new this week, and I love it! I feel cute and feisty and a bit more like myself again. My previous growing-out style was doing nothing for me; this definitely is. I love it. 

But as to the topic of this post, and the more relevant information for this blog!

Tonight we made SW 'KFC' - and believe me when I say it is incredible. I possibly even liked it more than actual KFC - made all the better by knowing it's almost free! The only countable elements are the breadcrumbs - made from your HE-B it's your fibre choice for the day, or if not then I believe you just need to syn the bread. 

We googled of a recipe then made adjustments based on what we had in the cupboards. Cut chicken into goujons (or use drumsticks as per your preference). Mix one beaten egg with some chicken Bovril paste (or Marmite!) and a selection of spices, then dip your chicken first into this gloopy sludge then into breadcrumbs. Bake in a hot oven (225^ ish) for 15-20minutes, until golden and crispy. 

SO GOOD. We had ours with SW chips, green salad and a low fat coleslaw - SW coleslaw is also rather good. 

Yum yum yum! This is definitely going into our regular recipes!

Fancy Feasts for This Kitten

Well, it's certainly been awhile!

Sadly my mental health did not improve between the previous post and now, but with some delicious medication and the support of my fantastic boy and a network of friends across the country, we're hopefully back on the right path. I don't have much confidence, I'll be honest, but we're making small steps in that direction. It's not something I want to get into too much again on here, though suffice to say the happy sunshiney blog post from October last year is now only half true (boyfriend is still amazing, the flat is still cute, and we've got a baby bunny now to look after as well).

A few things have changed. Once more, we're back on the Slimming World Wagon - though again, not in at the groups but on our own. The other big thing I'm doing is using My Fitness Pal - the app and website - to keep a diary of food and exercise. I'm happy to have more friends on there, too, if anyone wants to add me! My username is laila_kitt. I find it really useful to be able to chart what I'm eating - I know that if I tried to reflect at the end of the day I had a tendency to forget. Not consciously, or maliciously, but 'snacks' whilst out and about didn't register as 'eating' whereas now, it all goes into my smartphone straight away. There is also a very handy barcode scanner, which in my experience of the last few months hasn't missed much at all. The search option is also very broad, so homemade meals come up on there as well - I know that the chilli con carne I make, for example, might not be exactly the same number of calories as the one on the app but I'm fairly sure it's not going to be different enough for it to make that big a difference.

The other thing that's nice about that app is that it expects you to list exercise as well, which has been really helpful in making me really 'see' the connection between input and output. If I want that cake for 300cal, what can I do in return? I do more walking now than I previously have, though with my mental health that's not always easy, and I'm hoping once my interactive treatment starts next week I'll be brave enough to start jogging again. It's too nice weather to stay inside, even if that's what I desperately want to do. My tattoo is getting finished tomorrow (finally!) and I've got lots of dress making fabric to make things that really show it off. I've lost the desire to be 'thin' but just to be happy with myself, and right now my fitness level is a big concern to me. So hopefully we're taking steps to get into the right mindset and make some more changes, and hopefully my silly little brain doesn't interfere again.

Yesterday I had a really rough day and the hangover of that into today hasn't been great, so I decided that this little kitten deserved a fancy feast of a lunch to cheer me back up again. (Also, the idea of a Fancy Feast amused me greatly because of the branded cat food of the same name, and I am behaving more like a mischievous feline than ever at the moment!)

All free food on Slimming World, and somewhere in the region of 400 calories for the whole lot if on any other system. I've got a homemade stock and green vegetable risotto planned for this evening, and maybe even a square or two of luxury dark chocolate after that!

Here's to baby steps and getting back on track.

Things I Think (which aren't about weight loss)

I'm having a really rough time. It might only be rough in my head, with minimal external factors, but it's still not going well for me.

Today at work I was treated rather badly and got horribly angry (went with a genuine question and request for guidance on an issue which was rather stressful, not my usual field, and ever so slightly urgent; got "you're a bright girl, you'll figure it out" from my direct manager quickly followed by "you go away and find a solution, then come back and we'll rip it to shreds!" from his manager/the GM) and I am generally exhausted.

I've been lamenting that there aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to, that'd make me feel accomplished and productive and like I'm using my time in a worthwhile way. I hate my job at the moment, but I hope that won't last - though then I find myself thinking, surely liking your job is not essential, as long as you earn enough to live comfortably and do the things that provide happiness in other spheres? You work to live, not live to work, as the old adage goes?

Since I've been home I've read There's More to Life Than Being Happy - The Atlantic - a very interesting article on finding meaning in one's existence. It's definitely got me thinking. What are the things that are important to me? What is my meaning and purpose? What am I supposed to be doing?

Recently a certain amount of the suicidal ideology has crept back into the back of my thoughts - my (medical) hormonal situation always has had a disproportionately large impact on the state of my mental health, and the past 6 weeks have been no exception. On top of which, 32 days of constant and often debilitating pain do not lend themselves to positivity! The pain appears to have subsided now (thankfully) but the blues have not yet entirely cleared. It's a good time to assess putting into place the structures I want to try and follow in the near future to create happiness on my own terms, particularly if circumstances are against me. But are the things that make me happy meaningful ones?

I want to spend at least one night a week practising music, because later in the year I want to join an orchestra again. I got back in touch with an old music master, with a view to enquiring about local choirs, and he's actually setting up a chamber group himself and would love me to participate. My boyfriend and I are going tap dancing classes as of next week (as long as our shoes arrive in time!) and once the weather is warmer I want to start horse riding again. I'm getting my tattoo finished on February 5th. We're going on a holiday (short break) early March. Last week I bought a car. I'd like to plan to do more sewing, though not sure when. My OU course is going well enough. All of these are Good Things.

But perhaps it is the lack of meaning and purpose which is making everything still so feel so bleak. Or maybe it's that I hate my job and that my hormones still aren't settled. I just want to cheer up soon.

Denim

I had my first weigh in today after 'leaving' SW and creating my own plans.

It's now possible to proudly announce the following: I have lost 1 whole stone since the beginning of this.

A whole stone. !!

And today, I ran out of trousers. Discovered yesterday that all the ones I had, have holes in them. Tried on a pair of jeans I've had ages but not worn as they were two tight. They fit. They fit really nicely. My boyfriend has never seen me in jeans before. (He approved. Hee.) I'm a happy happy creature.

What's New

With bonus photos!





When on our trip to London a fortnight ago, the boyfriend and I got to experience the joy of Snogs. Hee. I love the pun. I got raspberries and little chocolate hearts; he got passionfruit with his raspberries. Yummy. Ta da:













Whilst away, I remembered to go into a supermarket in Chinatown to get dumpling skins and came home to make these babies. They were delicious (if we say so ourselves)! Ginger, soy and spring onion pork. Boyfriend loves dumplings, and we tagged his brother on Facebook to try and spread some friendly jealousy. Think it worked. :D

And then the other night, I made us a candlelit Sunday dinner. I'm just that kind of girl, y'see. (Also he totally spoils me and it's nice to give it back sometimes. Or to try, anyway.) All free food according to the Slimming World plan, only the gravy counted as a syn. Roast lamb, with roasted corn, broccoli and red onion, roast potatoes and carrot mash. 

It was a success. A resounding success. The chocolate cake we made today was less of a success (nice with yoghurt and berries as a kind of black forest dessert, too chocolatey on its own somehow) - though a much nicer texture than the previous slimming world cakes we've attempted.

SW Week 7: A Return

I am rereading my old posts with an ache in my chest.

I'd actually been doing really well. I got my certificate the week before last, after reaching my half stone award, and had actually lost 8.5lbs. I was so proud of myself. I tweeted the certificate, I showed everyone, I was bouncing all over the place.

Then I didn't go the week after, because I had a deadline the next day I was very unlikely to meet and needed to not spend two hours of my day out of the house and not working. The week after, having not had that incentive that Wednesday plus the added bonus of going to London for the weekend for my best friend's birthday (including beer and cakes), I didn't focus on Slimming World at all.

I went today, and in two weeks of returning to my old food habits and not thinking consciously about my choices at all, I have regained more than half of what I'd lost.

I cried a lot last night before going today, because I knew I'd have gained something and I was terrified of how much. In my heart I knew to expect 4lbs, ish. I knew what I'd been eating, and I know my body is 'used' to being fat and that giving it the sugar it wants and is used to will help it get back to its comfortable former size. Losing weight is a lot of work.

I've gained 4.5lbs in 2 weeks. I can't imagine the size I would be if I did that indefinitely. It's horrible. But I'm also devastated to have sabotaged my progress like this.

Week commencing the 5th November I was on top of the world. The little blip the fortnight before that was a mere 0.5lb gain during my period, which is something I have medical issue with anyway - if I have to gain 0.5-1lb one week a month, as long as it comes off again afterwards, I'll never beat myself up over that. I have bigger problems to worry about that week. In general the trend was definitely on the right track. I was enjoying it, and encouraged to see progress.

I am now practically back to where I started.

I suppose once I stop being so upset I'll make some plans for the week, rather than excuses - recipes I want to cook, and things to make in to be in the fridge ready, and no more cakes/treats/fun things. It's always easier at home, anyway - which in and of itself makes me worry about Christmas already, as that's another 2 weeks away from here and away from situations in which I am in control of the catering - I don't think I can cope with another instance like this.

Our group leader says she'll text me in the week. I hope she does. I nearly decided to walk away from the whole project last night, when I was in floods of tears and unable to explain to my very worried boyfriend why I was so upset.

I don't really want to give up, but I can't go through this again. Harder work needs to happen, and today I am too tired for that. He's made dinner (I'd be lost without him) and then it's back down to me to make this happen for myself.

Brownies and raspberry cream

Tonight I made us the sw recipe chocolate brownies. They're 7 syns a serving, but the slices are quite large and it definitely feels like you're getting a proper dessert! The tartness of the raspberry cream really complements it, too; though the recipe said strawberry I prefer raspberries myself (and didn't give boyfriend the choice!)

Think I'll make them again, but I wish they were more chocolatey. Not sure how I can do that without upping the syns, but I do like a challenge.

Yep, these weren't bad at all. :)

SW Week Two

Well, I went to group and got weighed again. I was very nervous - I've been ill all week and eating really rather badly at least once a day. There was my brother's leaving dinner (Chinese - delicious, but not terribly good for you (though we did our research first and choose the dishes we liked that were the most SW friendly, which turned out to be prawns with ginger and spring onion, salt and chili squid, with plain rice and just a couple of prawn crackers each)), then the next day I was incredibly stressed and bought us kebabs and pizza from the takeaway shop, then the next day I got through a whole packet of biscuits in the office, then another day we were tired and in a hurry so grabbed fish and chips en route to where we were going... the list goes on, really, and none of that made me terribly hopeful about group!

Except that I lost 2lbs. She says to not try and replicate this week (!!!) but that it's about balance, and if the rest of the time I am treating myself well then a few events of gluttony aren't going to destroy it. Which is nice to know. I don't want to think I can allow myself these things and not worry at all, but if it happens it happens. No need to get upset.

So, it's so far so good.

Today a big Tesco delivery arrived (seriously, biggest delivery ever) and we're going to be set for the next little while. I'm making brownies later too, and I hope they're a success! My pre-diet brownies were sort of legendary, so these really need to compete! And because we'd had supplies arrive, we got smoked salmon salad for lunch.

The cottage cheese based potato salad (herbs, lemon juice) might only be half a syn but is not something I'm ever going to be making again. Texture is all wrong. Didn't think I liked cottage cheese anyway, but this has reassured me I definitely do not. No thanks!

And to top it all off, this is what boyfriend came back from the supermarket with. Twelve pink roses, and earlier that afternoon he bought the most delightfully scented cherry candle. I love the ones in jars like that.

I am a very lucky girl indeed, and one who is apparently going to continue shrinking. I was talking to someone this morning about my mental health - basically telling 2008/9 me to look at where we are now and 'suck it'. Hee. But it's true. There are so many thousand times more good days than bad, now, and I've got a great job and an amazing boyfriend to snuggle and love and a cute flat and a much sunnier outlook on things. I even instigated conversation with women at the group today, of my own accord. I would never have dreamed of doing that before.

I hope this lasts forever.