June 16th

So I've really not been doing well at loving my body, treating it right, and making progress on the path towards making it the shape I want it to be or simply making it healthier.

In fact, for a while in the middle, I was doing pretty fucking terribly.

I had all these good intentions at the beginning, plans and ideas and Things That Would Work. Obviously, didn't. And a waver towards the #emmaismad didn't help, even though it didn't become a full on attack (or hasn't become, but hopefully we're back in control of that).

I am going on holiday next weekend, and I can't wait to be away with him and out of this town and enjoying each other's company somewhere away from HERE. We're going to Alton Towers, too, which is so so exciting. And he's asked if we can spend half a day at the Water World.

Swimwear. !!!

I do now think I've got my head around the idea. I've bought myself  a new swimsuit online last night which hopefully I won't hate myself in. I do enjoy swimming and being in the water but in a water park, there's a lot of time spent out of the water and queueing - that's the bit that's freaking me out. Right-now-this-evening I'm more excited about spending time doing something silly and playful with the boy and can't remember the anxiety I went through when he first said he'd like to do that. Which is strange, as that swimming pool promise ahead is what's driving the past two days' worth of "healthy" eating (for a given value of "healthy" - which others may disagree with) and if the anxiety has gone, why am I torturing myself?

Hmm.

Yesterday. (What I remember, anyway. I'm 99% sure I'm right.)

A nutrigrain bar. 5 slices of packet-ham. Tablespoon of Philadelphia with ~5 carrots. Tin of beans and sausages. 1 litre bottle of sparkling fruit water. 2 lucozade at work.  

Today.

 Onken yoghurt with a handful of cereal bits and 3 raisins. Half a nutrigrain bar. A 179 calorie pasta pot. A large handful of carrot sticks with a (heaped) teaspoon of Philadelphia cheese. A banana. 2/3 of a cereal bowl of special fried rice, 3 pork balls, 5 prawn crackers. 2 bottles of lucozade at work. Half a glass of cherryade tonight. Lots of water through the day.

Right now, writing things down isn't so helpful, or if it is I've got to keep every day separate and not look at any two together- the very fact that today's list fills four text lines whereas Friday was 2 is making my silly brain say "that means you ate twice as much, you ___". Not very smart. Even though nothing on that list is terrible, really. Except the lucozade, but after tomorrow I won't be having any more of that anyway.

The other thing that's noteworthy are the diet pills. I've got meal replacement protein bars that I find it very difficult to eat (they're too chewy, and it triggers a weird anxiety gag reflex thing) but that I'll probably start leaving in my desk at work anyway, just in case temptation starts kicking in? I need to take another pill tonight but I've eaten now, and they have to go on an empty stomach. I don't know if they're doing anything but I figure it can't hurt to take them anyway. (I'm a bit worried that all the confusion and mental flailing I've been doing are admittedly probably PMS but exacerbated by whatever-the-hell is in these tablets?)  There are two sets of scales in this house, and a full half stone in difference on my weight between the two. One of them would be somewhat understandable. I know I've gained weight, so the lower one would still be ludicrously high but sort of make sense somehow. The other one, half a stone more, would be the highest weight I have EVER been and would make me want to cry and hide and never be naked again. Let alone naked with the boyfriend looking/touching or nearly-naked in swimwear. And a chunk of me is convinced that I'm so big and disgusting and flabby that the top one is the more likely explanation.

I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes? I keep telling people that the swimsuit carrot diet is just that, and only going to last until I'm on holiday, but I think I'm hoping my stomach (as in, the organ) will shrink and that I'll not want to eat huge things again, ever. Or that I'll forget how much I like bread and cake and all those things and they just won't be on my radar any more?

#emmaismad

So, that nice healthy bandwagon I was on? It's lost its wheels. And the driver abandoned it. And the horses ran away. And all those kind of doom and gloomy things.

This isn't supposed to be a blog about my mental health. I'm supposed to be writing about food, here, and the new and increasingly shiny relationship I've got (or am making) with my body. And I can't do that right now.

These are the kinds of crazinesses I'm ashamed to talk about. I've gone a bit mad, I think. In the food sense, anyway. I want to be thin NOW. I want the willpower to be anorexic. I'm aware that that's an absolutely horrific thing to say but it's true, and this is my space for honesty here. I made myself sick on Saturday night when my brother was cruel about the way I eat (too noisily? disgustingly?) and whilst I know it wasn't a full purge it's still not something that needs to be happening. I am not able to write the records for the past few days as I've got no idea what I ate. And I'm probably too embarrassed to write it out anyway.

I do wish I could just stop eating. In my defence, I'm having all of these thoughts but not actually indulging in the behaviours too much. I'm not being great, I know, but it could be worse. I'm clinging to that. I'm going to work with a bit of toast in the mornings (or porridge) at about 8:30 am, and I can manage until about 4 until not eating makes me feel ill. I usually take lunch, which is crisps and a pitta bread, but recently have been going to the shop and buying a whole world of food that's really bad for me (re: the doughnut binge in the work toilets, bacon and hotdogs) - and then a dinner when I'm at home probably 60% of the time. Sometimes I just buy food to eat on the way back. Sometimes I even buy something vaguely healthy. Normally not so much.

I don't like the decisions I'm making. I really want to be thin and beautiful.

I'm terrified that the chap I'm pursuing a flirtation with will think I'm hideous if he sees me naked. That he will is 99% certain, ha. I'm rather enjoying chatting and exchanging naughty messages with him, and when he's back in town in a couple of weeks we're going to go out. Play will ensue, I'm sure. Logically I know I've got no reason to worry. The other people I've pulled in town haven't been bothered. A wise lady told me that if you don't care about your size, and just approach everything with enthusiasm anyway and the same as any thin person would, no one else is going to be bothered. There's clearly a reason they've tried to get into your bed in the first place, right? Right. And he's got a kid, so he's probably slept with a fat girl before - pregnancy doesn't leave you a size 8 throughout, normally.

Usually I pursue people who have openly expressed interest in fat girls, those carrying a few (or more than a few) pounds, people who say they love a BBW. I don't call myself that, but at least those chasers are going to  find me attractive? Heh.

And the stinging from the healing of my brand is reminding me a lot of self injury pain, and it's really quite triggering on that front. Which isn't great. I'm definitely not about to go start hurting myself again - I enjoy too much the amusing fact that the last time I cut myself was the night of the last general election, when the Conservatives 'won', and I watched the results coming in from the various boroughs from the reception at A&E as I was getting glued back together. Awesome. Heh.

I really want to be thin, and beautiful. I bought new clothes again today and I know I look okay, but I just want to be thin. I feel like when I go out, people don't know what I'm hiding under my dresses and stuff, that my face is really rather lovely and I've got a relatively nice overall shape (also great boobs) but that no one is going to know about the folds and rolls and awful body hiding away and that they'll be shocked and disgusted when we're actually naked together.

*flail*

This is not the way that it's supposed to be.

End of week one/day eight

So, I weighed myself this morning for the end of the first week thingy. I'll admit I was quite disappointed. I haven't lost anything at all. On the other hand, I wasn't expecting anything huge. As I've said, at the moment I'm trying to set myself up so that when we hit April, I've got better habits in place to start the real concerted effort then. Even so, I'm disappointed.

After that, I was ready to write a blog about the clothes shopping and how I'm still learning important things about myself through this, and a generally positive tone. That sort of fell apart during a binge at work, when I ended up nearly having a panic attack, going to the shop, buying doughnuts and then hiding in a toilet to eat them. I even dropped one on the floor in the shop, but because it was the last one I couldn't put it back. The assistant offered to get me more but I just wanted to buy them and get out. I ate them even though I didn't like them, or want them, and they didn't really make me feel any better. Not that it ever does.

So I've re-learnt that eating is a response to anxiety, which doesn't surprise me - "comfort food" is a thing for a good reason. Anyway. I got really quite angry at myself for that, eventually, once I'd got through the anxiety attack and the deep sadness. Today wasn't a great day. At all. I got home massively hungry, like I'd eaten nothing all day, and whilst I have been relatively sensible since then, I think I'm scared I've undone all of my good work so far.

Anyway. Onwards and upwards, yes? I still like myself, that's important. I had a really important thing switch in my head whilst back in London for a couple of days - that all of the choices I'm making at the moment are towards something really big, much bigger than anything so far. I would like to change the way I look, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the way I look at the moment. In fact, some people are especially taken with the way I look right now. Some people have even called me beautiful. And I like being me. My self worth isn't based 100% on what the scales say - and that's huge news, I've never been on a diet before that wasn't just about success v failure. This is a positive change, but it not happening? Won't ruin my life. Won't be the end of the world. I'm sat here hungry right now, and I could go get some food - but I don't need to eat and eat myself senseless - that's incredible. I'm bored and antsy (post anxiety antsy, plus other things) and cold but food isn't going to help with that.

So it could be much much worse. It really could. I'm not going to let one day of horrible eating make tomorrow bad too. I need to learn how to tell what is 'genuine' hunger and what is a hunger created by my brain as evasion of other things, but I hope/think that'll come in time.

Day 8
Porridge with 2 tsp sugar
2 lemon meringue doughnuts
Pitta bread with philadelphia
Skips
2 chocolate covered chocolate filled doughnuts
500ml full fat cherry coke
Pork chop, boiled potatoes, carrots, gravy
1 glass coke zero

I walked to work, but not home from there.

___

And actually, written like that, it doesn't look like a huge disastrous amount of food. Not a good mindset at all, and if I can avoid another panic/anxiety attack and getting so worked up, that'd be fab - I can't believe I got to the point of hiding in a loo to eat. I really can't.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Day seven

Breakfast
2 slices brown toast with marmite

Lunch
Chinese buffet (om nom nom so much food)

2 glasses of diet Pepsi

Dinner
2 boiled eggs with white bread soldiers

Snack
2 creme eggs.

Exercise20 minute walk.

___

Today has been a real success in terms of self esteem. I did clothes shopping and came away happy. I'm exhausted, or I'd write more (I travelled home again today) but I hope to tomorrow.

Also tomorrow is my first weigh in and weekly review, so, eek!

Day six

Breakfast
2 slices white toast and marmite

Lunch
2 small cereal bars

McDonalds chicken meal (c.600 calories)

Dinner
Haddock fillet, stir fried vegetables and baby potatoes

Apple pie ice cream

Exercise

Did a fair bit of walking. I think.

___

This was the night I spent back with my friends in London. One cooked us a fabulous meal in the evening,  and I was really pleased with myself for not being a complete twat about the McDonalds and going crazy about it. 

Day five

Breakfast
Porridge with 2 tsp sugar
Tropical fruit juice

Lunch
Ham and philadelphia cheese pitta bread
Cheese string
Packet of French Fries
2 doughnuts

Dinner
7 chicken nuggets
Small amount of rice and curry sauce

Tea
2 slices of toast with marmite.

Exercise
20 minute walk - but not a terribly quick one.

_____

Today is the first day I've actually had to battle with crazy person thoughts. The toast this evening was a bit of brain compromise: I felt like I had to eat something and my brain was taking that idea and running with it. So instead of eating the half a cake that's left in the kitchen (of which I've had none, fyi) or going to the shops and stocking up on biscuits, I had some marmitey toast. It's totally not the same, but I think it should mean I can cope until bedtime.

Basically today, the doughnuts I had at lunch time really triggered me. I hope that one day I can have delicious treats like that and not freak the hell out - but that day isn't yet, and that's okay too. So anyway, once I'd had that, I'd mentally written today off. I had a huge debate with myself in the supermarket. "Don't you want to be thin, Emma? Yes, but. Doughnuts. You'll always look like this. Nothing will change. Not if you make these kinds of choices, no. Shut up." I bought Smarties after that, but realised that eating them wouldn't make me happier. As such, when I got home I decided I really ought not to have any dinner - to "make up for" the doughnuts. That's also a neat trick I play with myself. Dinner was nice, though, just not enough. I'm having such difficulty telling the difference between 'real' hunger and 'I really want to eat something because I'm __' hunger - and they're really not the same thing at all.

I still think my head is making progress. Probably. I've realised that my head likes it a lot when the next day's diary entry of food is shorter than the previous, but that I've noticed that pattern is a good thing. I still need to get more fruit and vegetables into the day, and more exercise, but I'm doing okay overall I think. And tomorrow will be a happy day back with my friends, and I'm having a Starbucks come hell or high water.

Day four

Breakfast
Gregg's yoghurt granola thingy
Gregg's Belgian bun

Lunch
Gregg's chicken and bacon roll
Dairylea strip cheese
Bottle of Ribena

Dinner
Bowl of sweet and sour chicken (homemade) with about 2 good tbsp of rice.

___

I was hungover as aaaaall hell today. Had an amazing night out - with three million calories consumed in alcohol but a few burnt off dancing and horizontally (snicker) - but today I totally paid for that. Got about 1 hour of sleep, too, which doesn't help. But actually, for saying how crap I felt - I didn't revert to eating a load of terrible stuff to make myself feel better. I am pleased with that!

Day three

Breakfast
Porridge with 2 tsp of sugar
Small apple juice

Snack
One of those 'special K snack pack' doo dahs. 99calorie crunchy bite thingies.

Lunch
Ham and pickle wholemeal pitta bread (they've been wholemeal throughout, but this is the first day I thought to mention that)
Dairylea strip cheese string
Skips
2x 'Galaxy moments' chocolates

Dinner
Bacon bap
3 biscuits

Tea
Homemade (by me!) chicken and ham sweet chilli fried rice. Which is really not so good for you. Also portion, Emma, please god learn them soon.
Glass of lemonade.

_____

I'm also going on out a bit of a night tonight, and alcohol probably counts as part of my daily intake. Eek.

Today's been really hard, food wise. Wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on. Wanted to go to the shop and buy entire packets of biscuits and chocolates and cakes. Did buy a packet of cookies, but had three before I realised what I was doing and gave them all away. I think that's a small success, which I need to remember.

Also today is the second day in a row in which I've exceeded my 2 litre of water a day thing, so that's a bonus too.

Day two

Breakfast
Porridge, made with dried blueberries thrown in (about a tbsp?) and 2 tsp honey on top
Small glass apple juice

Lunch
Ham and pickle pitta bread
French Fries
Strip cheese string
Tiny chocolate egg (1)

Other(s)
One 'Chorley oatcake' - which I shouldn't have had, as it was horrible
One cup hot chocolate
2 nutrigrain bars
6-8 strawberries
6 breadsticks with onion and garlic creamy dip

Dinner
Homemade sweet and sour chicken with pasta.

Exercise
Walked one way to work.

____

Okay, so food wise today, it's kind of sucked. I got kept at work for much longer than I'd planned, so had to go find food at work - hence the nutrigrain bars - and then I ended up caving and nibbling breadsticks and strawberries at the launch party I'd been kept at work to help with. I think it could have been much worse, though. Really. And it's only day two, and I'm still doing okay on the cake/chocolate/eating everything  front.

Honesty and commitment

Sometimes I lie to myself.

Like when I just don't think about what I'm doing. I forget what I'm putting into my mouth, even when I try to remember it all. I look at photographs and remember how uncomfortable I felt, not how special an evening was. I feel lonely so I think I've got no friends. My brain is a strange funny place.

I'm aware with this blog, and daily food observations, of the need to hide even more. What if someone looks at what I've eaten and thinks how disgusting I am, how much I've eaten? I am terrified of that kind of judgement.

I am trying to be totally honest, here. I can't always be honest everywhere - a girl at work apparently lost four stone, and someone else was very blunt about the way she looked before. I didn't know her then. But I got that kind of stabbing pain in my chest - I can't admit that I'd like to lose close to that much too, without drawing attention to myself and how big I am at the moment.

Sometimes, I really like the way I look. I just don't always think that other people will agree with that. When I dress up nicely, I'm scared to draw people's gazes to me - what if they laugh at me, for thinking that a girl like me could look hot, and be confident, and hold a room. Hold the moment. I can't do that so much, yet. I can on stage, when I'm someone else and there's talent to hide behind. And I kind of can as an exhibitionist, when they're not looking at who I am but what I'm doing. But sometimes, I really do like how I look. Sometimes I even like my stomach, for all it's flab and stretch marks and scars.

I am going to try and be honest, here. There aren't going to be many people reading, I don't think, but that doesn't matter- lying to myself isn't going to get me out of the situation I'm in, and I really want to be in a different physical position at the end of the next six months.

Lying to myself won't get me there.

I need to make a proper commitment to doing this, properly, and making some serious changes. I think getting there is going to be really difficult. I am going to personify the battle, I think, as some kind of fuzzy creature I can tame. Right now my body thinks it's hungry, but I'm pretty sure that's not an honest feeling, just habit. And lies.

So I'm making a toast to honesty, I think, and leaning to remember to be honest with myself above all else. That piece of cake won't matter to anyone else but me, and I can't hide from the things I put into my own body.