So, I weighed myself this morning for the end of the first week thingy. I'll admit I was quite disappointed. I haven't lost anything at all. On the other hand, I wasn't expecting anything huge. As I've said, at the moment I'm trying to set myself up so that when we hit April, I've got better habits in place to start the real concerted effort then. Even so, I'm disappointed.
After that, I was ready to write a blog about the clothes shopping and how I'm still learning important things about myself through this, and a generally positive tone. That sort of fell apart during a binge at work, when I ended up nearly having a panic attack, going to the shop, buying doughnuts and then hiding in a toilet to eat them. I even dropped one on the floor in the shop, but because it was the last one I couldn't put it back. The assistant offered to get me more but I just wanted to buy them and get out. I ate them even though I didn't like them, or want them, and they didn't really make me feel any better. Not that it ever does.
So I've re-learnt that eating is a response to anxiety, which doesn't surprise me - "comfort food" is a thing for a good reason. Anyway. I got really quite angry at myself for that, eventually, once I'd got through the anxiety attack and the deep sadness. Today wasn't a great day. At all. I got home massively hungry, like I'd eaten nothing all day, and whilst I have been relatively sensible since then, I think I'm scared I've undone all of my good work so far.
Anyway. Onwards and upwards, yes? I still like myself, that's important. I had a really important thing switch in my head whilst back in London for a couple of days - that all of the choices I'm making at the moment are towards something really big, much bigger than anything so far. I would like to change the way I look, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the way I look at the moment. In fact, some people are especially taken with the way I look right now. Some people have even called me beautiful. And I like being me. My self worth isn't based 100% on what the scales say - and that's huge news, I've never been on a diet before that wasn't just about success v failure. This is a positive change, but it not happening? Won't ruin my life. Won't be the end of the world. I'm sat here hungry right now, and I could go get some food - but I don't need to eat and eat myself senseless - that's incredible. I'm bored and antsy (post anxiety antsy, plus other things) and cold but food isn't going to help with that.
So it could be much much worse. It really could. I'm not going to let one day of horrible eating make tomorrow bad too. I need to learn how to tell what is 'genuine' hunger and what is a hunger created by my brain as evasion of other things, but I hope/think that'll come in time.
Day 8
Porridge with 2 tsp sugar
2 lemon meringue doughnuts
Pitta bread with philadelphia
Skips
2 chocolate covered chocolate filled doughnuts
500ml full fat cherry coke
Pork chop, boiled potatoes, carrots, gravy
1 glass coke zero
I walked to work, but not home from there.
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And actually, written like that, it doesn't look like a huge disastrous amount of food. Not a good mindset at all, and if I can avoid another panic/anxiety attack and getting so worked up, that'd be fab - I can't believe I got to the point of hiding in a loo to eat. I really can't.
Tomorrow is a new day.
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