Day five

Breakfast
Porridge with 2 tsp sugar
Tropical fruit juice

Lunch
Ham and philadelphia cheese pitta bread
Cheese string
Packet of French Fries
2 doughnuts

Dinner
7 chicken nuggets
Small amount of rice and curry sauce

Tea
2 slices of toast with marmite.

Exercise
20 minute walk - but not a terribly quick one.

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Today is the first day I've actually had to battle with crazy person thoughts. The toast this evening was a bit of brain compromise: I felt like I had to eat something and my brain was taking that idea and running with it. So instead of eating the half a cake that's left in the kitchen (of which I've had none, fyi) or going to the shops and stocking up on biscuits, I had some marmitey toast. It's totally not the same, but I think it should mean I can cope until bedtime.

Basically today, the doughnuts I had at lunch time really triggered me. I hope that one day I can have delicious treats like that and not freak the hell out - but that day isn't yet, and that's okay too. So anyway, once I'd had that, I'd mentally written today off. I had a huge debate with myself in the supermarket. "Don't you want to be thin, Emma? Yes, but. Doughnuts. You'll always look like this. Nothing will change. Not if you make these kinds of choices, no. Shut up." I bought Smarties after that, but realised that eating them wouldn't make me happier. As such, when I got home I decided I really ought not to have any dinner - to "make up for" the doughnuts. That's also a neat trick I play with myself. Dinner was nice, though, just not enough. I'm having such difficulty telling the difference between 'real' hunger and 'I really want to eat something because I'm __' hunger - and they're really not the same thing at all.

I still think my head is making progress. Probably. I've realised that my head likes it a lot when the next day's diary entry of food is shorter than the previous, but that I've noticed that pattern is a good thing. I still need to get more fruit and vegetables into the day, and more exercise, but I'm doing okay overall I think. And tomorrow will be a happy day back with my friends, and I'm having a Starbucks come hell or high water.