End of week one/day eight

So, I weighed myself this morning for the end of the first week thingy. I'll admit I was quite disappointed. I haven't lost anything at all. On the other hand, I wasn't expecting anything huge. As I've said, at the moment I'm trying to set myself up so that when we hit April, I've got better habits in place to start the real concerted effort then. Even so, I'm disappointed.

After that, I was ready to write a blog about the clothes shopping and how I'm still learning important things about myself through this, and a generally positive tone. That sort of fell apart during a binge at work, when I ended up nearly having a panic attack, going to the shop, buying doughnuts and then hiding in a toilet to eat them. I even dropped one on the floor in the shop, but because it was the last one I couldn't put it back. The assistant offered to get me more but I just wanted to buy them and get out. I ate them even though I didn't like them, or want them, and they didn't really make me feel any better. Not that it ever does.

So I've re-learnt that eating is a response to anxiety, which doesn't surprise me - "comfort food" is a thing for a good reason. Anyway. I got really quite angry at myself for that, eventually, once I'd got through the anxiety attack and the deep sadness. Today wasn't a great day. At all. I got home massively hungry, like I'd eaten nothing all day, and whilst I have been relatively sensible since then, I think I'm scared I've undone all of my good work so far.

Anyway. Onwards and upwards, yes? I still like myself, that's important. I had a really important thing switch in my head whilst back in London for a couple of days - that all of the choices I'm making at the moment are towards something really big, much bigger than anything so far. I would like to change the way I look, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the way I look at the moment. In fact, some people are especially taken with the way I look right now. Some people have even called me beautiful. And I like being me. My self worth isn't based 100% on what the scales say - and that's huge news, I've never been on a diet before that wasn't just about success v failure. This is a positive change, but it not happening? Won't ruin my life. Won't be the end of the world. I'm sat here hungry right now, and I could go get some food - but I don't need to eat and eat myself senseless - that's incredible. I'm bored and antsy (post anxiety antsy, plus other things) and cold but food isn't going to help with that.

So it could be much much worse. It really could. I'm not going to let one day of horrible eating make tomorrow bad too. I need to learn how to tell what is 'genuine' hunger and what is a hunger created by my brain as evasion of other things, but I hope/think that'll come in time.

Day 8
Porridge with 2 tsp sugar
2 lemon meringue doughnuts
Pitta bread with philadelphia
Skips
2 chocolate covered chocolate filled doughnuts
500ml full fat cherry coke
Pork chop, boiled potatoes, carrots, gravy
1 glass coke zero

I walked to work, but not home from there.

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And actually, written like that, it doesn't look like a huge disastrous amount of food. Not a good mindset at all, and if I can avoid another panic/anxiety attack and getting so worked up, that'd be fab - I can't believe I got to the point of hiding in a loo to eat. I really can't.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Day seven

Breakfast
2 slices brown toast with marmite

Lunch
Chinese buffet (om nom nom so much food)

2 glasses of diet Pepsi

Dinner
2 boiled eggs with white bread soldiers

Snack
2 creme eggs.

Exercise20 minute walk.

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Today has been a real success in terms of self esteem. I did clothes shopping and came away happy. I'm exhausted, or I'd write more (I travelled home again today) but I hope to tomorrow.

Also tomorrow is my first weigh in and weekly review, so, eek!

Day six

Breakfast
2 slices white toast and marmite

Lunch
2 small cereal bars

McDonalds chicken meal (c.600 calories)

Dinner
Haddock fillet, stir fried vegetables and baby potatoes

Apple pie ice cream

Exercise

Did a fair bit of walking. I think.

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This was the night I spent back with my friends in London. One cooked us a fabulous meal in the evening,  and I was really pleased with myself for not being a complete twat about the McDonalds and going crazy about it. 

Day five

Breakfast
Porridge with 2 tsp sugar
Tropical fruit juice

Lunch
Ham and philadelphia cheese pitta bread
Cheese string
Packet of French Fries
2 doughnuts

Dinner
7 chicken nuggets
Small amount of rice and curry sauce

Tea
2 slices of toast with marmite.

Exercise
20 minute walk - but not a terribly quick one.

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Today is the first day I've actually had to battle with crazy person thoughts. The toast this evening was a bit of brain compromise: I felt like I had to eat something and my brain was taking that idea and running with it. So instead of eating the half a cake that's left in the kitchen (of which I've had none, fyi) or going to the shops and stocking up on biscuits, I had some marmitey toast. It's totally not the same, but I think it should mean I can cope until bedtime.

Basically today, the doughnuts I had at lunch time really triggered me. I hope that one day I can have delicious treats like that and not freak the hell out - but that day isn't yet, and that's okay too. So anyway, once I'd had that, I'd mentally written today off. I had a huge debate with myself in the supermarket. "Don't you want to be thin, Emma? Yes, but. Doughnuts. You'll always look like this. Nothing will change. Not if you make these kinds of choices, no. Shut up." I bought Smarties after that, but realised that eating them wouldn't make me happier. As such, when I got home I decided I really ought not to have any dinner - to "make up for" the doughnuts. That's also a neat trick I play with myself. Dinner was nice, though, just not enough. I'm having such difficulty telling the difference between 'real' hunger and 'I really want to eat something because I'm __' hunger - and they're really not the same thing at all.

I still think my head is making progress. Probably. I've realised that my head likes it a lot when the next day's diary entry of food is shorter than the previous, but that I've noticed that pattern is a good thing. I still need to get more fruit and vegetables into the day, and more exercise, but I'm doing okay overall I think. And tomorrow will be a happy day back with my friends, and I'm having a Starbucks come hell or high water.

Day four

Breakfast
Gregg's yoghurt granola thingy
Gregg's Belgian bun

Lunch
Gregg's chicken and bacon roll
Dairylea strip cheese
Bottle of Ribena

Dinner
Bowl of sweet and sour chicken (homemade) with about 2 good tbsp of rice.

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I was hungover as aaaaall hell today. Had an amazing night out - with three million calories consumed in alcohol but a few burnt off dancing and horizontally (snicker) - but today I totally paid for that. Got about 1 hour of sleep, too, which doesn't help. But actually, for saying how crap I felt - I didn't revert to eating a load of terrible stuff to make myself feel better. I am pleased with that!

Day three

Breakfast
Porridge with 2 tsp of sugar
Small apple juice

Snack
One of those 'special K snack pack' doo dahs. 99calorie crunchy bite thingies.

Lunch
Ham and pickle wholemeal pitta bread (they've been wholemeal throughout, but this is the first day I thought to mention that)
Dairylea strip cheese string
Skips
2x 'Galaxy moments' chocolates

Dinner
Bacon bap
3 biscuits

Tea
Homemade (by me!) chicken and ham sweet chilli fried rice. Which is really not so good for you. Also portion, Emma, please god learn them soon.
Glass of lemonade.

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I'm also going on out a bit of a night tonight, and alcohol probably counts as part of my daily intake. Eek.

Today's been really hard, food wise. Wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on. Wanted to go to the shop and buy entire packets of biscuits and chocolates and cakes. Did buy a packet of cookies, but had three before I realised what I was doing and gave them all away. I think that's a small success, which I need to remember.

Also today is the second day in a row in which I've exceeded my 2 litre of water a day thing, so that's a bonus too.

Day two

Breakfast
Porridge, made with dried blueberries thrown in (about a tbsp?) and 2 tsp honey on top
Small glass apple juice

Lunch
Ham and pickle pitta bread
French Fries
Strip cheese string
Tiny chocolate egg (1)

Other(s)
One 'Chorley oatcake' - which I shouldn't have had, as it was horrible
One cup hot chocolate
2 nutrigrain bars
6-8 strawberries
6 breadsticks with onion and garlic creamy dip

Dinner
Homemade sweet and sour chicken with pasta.

Exercise
Walked one way to work.

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Okay, so food wise today, it's kind of sucked. I got kept at work for much longer than I'd planned, so had to go find food at work - hence the nutrigrain bars - and then I ended up caving and nibbling breadsticks and strawberries at the launch party I'd been kept at work to help with. I think it could have been much worse, though. Really. And it's only day two, and I'm still doing okay on the cake/chocolate/eating everything  front.

Honesty and commitment

Sometimes I lie to myself.

Like when I just don't think about what I'm doing. I forget what I'm putting into my mouth, even when I try to remember it all. I look at photographs and remember how uncomfortable I felt, not how special an evening was. I feel lonely so I think I've got no friends. My brain is a strange funny place.

I'm aware with this blog, and daily food observations, of the need to hide even more. What if someone looks at what I've eaten and thinks how disgusting I am, how much I've eaten? I am terrified of that kind of judgement.

I am trying to be totally honest, here. I can't always be honest everywhere - a girl at work apparently lost four stone, and someone else was very blunt about the way she looked before. I didn't know her then. But I got that kind of stabbing pain in my chest - I can't admit that I'd like to lose close to that much too, without drawing attention to myself and how big I am at the moment.

Sometimes, I really like the way I look. I just don't always think that other people will agree with that. When I dress up nicely, I'm scared to draw people's gazes to me - what if they laugh at me, for thinking that a girl like me could look hot, and be confident, and hold a room. Hold the moment. I can't do that so much, yet. I can on stage, when I'm someone else and there's talent to hide behind. And I kind of can as an exhibitionist, when they're not looking at who I am but what I'm doing. But sometimes, I really do like how I look. Sometimes I even like my stomach, for all it's flab and stretch marks and scars.

I am going to try and be honest, here. There aren't going to be many people reading, I don't think, but that doesn't matter- lying to myself isn't going to get me out of the situation I'm in, and I really want to be in a different physical position at the end of the next six months.

Lying to myself won't get me there.

I need to make a proper commitment to doing this, properly, and making some serious changes. I think getting there is going to be really difficult. I am going to personify the battle, I think, as some kind of fuzzy creature I can tame. Right now my body thinks it's hungry, but I'm pretty sure that's not an honest feeling, just habit. And lies.

So I'm making a toast to honesty, I think, and leaning to remember to be honest with myself above all else. That piece of cake won't matter to anyone else but me, and I can't hide from the things I put into my own body.

Day one

Breakfast
Porridge with a bit of sugar
Apple juice

Lunch
Ham and pickle wrap (homemade)
Cheesestring
Skips (at 88 calories a packet, I think these are the crisps for me. Also they're delicious.)
A mini chomp (the 4cm long ones)
A Gregg's lemon muffin - because the team were going out and my willpower caved the second time I was asked what I wanted

Snack
A teeny piece of a colleague's birthday cake
Four mini eggs
Two toffees and a sherbet lemon

Dinner
Slices of roast chicken with gravy and a jacket potato
4 small chocolate chip cookies
1 tablespoon full of dip

Exercise
Walked one way to work.

Exercise

The difficult thing is, there are lots of exercises I'd like to do but that I feel I'm currently too fat for. It's a bit of a catch 22.

I really want to learn to tap dance, but the thought of being in a room full of people who are watching me lumber around the place erratically - and in front of mirrors - that's terrible. I also really desperately want to learn to pole dance, but I know that my physical fitness and (lack of) upper body strength categorically prohibits that for the time being. Both of those are things I've been interested in for a significant amount of time. And both are things I'm using to bribe myself with, somehow. I'm not sure that that makes sense at all, but in my mind, when I get to a point with my body and fitness that I'd be okay to go, I will start attending.

Until then, I'm left doing exercises that are less public - and that's okay too. I'm wondering whether I might start going for a jog in the mornings, as I'm always awake far earlier than I need to be for work, and it might be nice to have that quiet time on the beach by myself too. I'd need to plan time to shower and dry my hair before work, but I think that'd be okay. I'm going to think about the logistics tomorrow. I have the Couch To 5k podcasts on my ipod and I am hoping to get myself an iPhone at some point soon, which means I can get the Zombie Run game/programme thingy, which I'm told is also rather awesome. Early in the mornings there shouldn't be anyone around who would judge me, or make me feel self conscious. And exercise does set you up into a good mood for the rest of the day, doesn't it? I'm really enjoying walking more, now that it's sunny and I can be in the fresh air and Spring is here, with its birds and ladybugs and bits of seaside happiness.

I've got my bike, and I think I'm going to try and do at least one bit of cycling per week. The most obvious opportunity I've got for that is the cycle to the riding school, where I've got a weekly riding lesson set up (or will have, very soon) and get to horse ride my way to lovely toned thighs. I'm worried that cycling to get to another form of exercise might kill me, but it's not really that far and I wouldn't have to go quickly. We'll try it a few times and decide then, I think! I really hated cycling to work: there weren't suitable places to leave my bike safely, and it made me feel so hideous and hot an unattractive when I arrived. Not fun. I think that put me off. And, finally, there's the zumba class. I loved zumba before, with all of my heart. It was such. good. fun. I'm really inordinately worried about bumping into someone from work there, who might recognise me and then we're back to worrying about being seen all disgusting and sweaty and red - but that's why I'm taking my mother to the first class, both so that she can give it a go and perhaps find she enjoys it, and also so that I know someone there and will have a bit of a security system in being able to pretend I'm only there for her!

Someone on another blog mentioned that it's important to get 'accidental exercise' into the day, so the things like walking to work or cycling to the shop - because it's good for you but doesn't feel like a chore. That's what I'm going to work on, I think. I haven't mentioned here yet but what I'm trying to do is set up the beginnings of habits and patterns so that by the start of April, I can hit the ground running. My first zumba class here will be April 3rd, my riding booked for the 4th. I've got until April to dig out my old favourite healthy recipes, convince my mother to let me cook  some more on my own, and establish morning routines that involve being active and/or just getting my head into the right place to make this a proper success.

The time is now.

I've recently been in real conflict with my self esteem.

Ironically, I love my body tonight. I think that background to writing this will let me be more honest, and perhaps more emotionally factual, rather than just getting upset about my hideousness. I know that I am a lovely person, and I like being me and the direction my life is taking. I just don't much like the packaging that comes in. Logical brain today knows that I'm not hideous at all - but there are things I'd like to work on, and I'm going to use this blog to keep track of how I feel about myself, and what I'm doing to help move in the right direction.

I am awarding myself star stickers on my calendar for every two pounds I lose. That's where the name of this comes from. I don't want to think about 'losing' weight because that sets up negativity at the outset. A friend recently taught me the importance of using positive terms and making my own happiness. I am earning stars. I am not losing anything - except perhaps some insecurities I've carried for many many years!

It's going to be hard to stay honest, but there are going to be numbers here. I don't know whether anyone is going to see it or not - whether I just want the record for myself, or whether I want the accountability of knowing others know what I'm doing. This is thin and fragile ice, for me. I have a background of very disordered thought patterns regarding diets and weight loss. Between the ages of 14-16, all my friends came from a mental health forum, and many suffered with severe eating disorders. Aged 18, I moved in with women from that site. I developed some of their habits and security nets. I am going to record food diaries on this blog, but that might stop if I think it's triggering me. The last time I kept a food diary, it was to monitor food intake and keep that below 500 calories. I wouldn't do that now, but I'm keenly aware of how easy it is to fall back into old routines. A concerned friend took me to see the school nurse when I was at around 800/day - and she told me that was okay, because I needed to lose the weight anyway. She didn't take it seriously, and I've never forgotten it. I am no longer able to 100% trust what I think is 'right' with regards to food. Asking for advice online and writing this blog, I'm hoping that's going to help me learn new things and do this properly. I've been inspired by the writing of someone else, and want to make real positive changes.

 And this is what I'm going to do:

• Walk to and from work, every day. It's about three quarters of a mile each way, so that will sneak a little bit of exercise into my days.
• Tuesday night Zumba classes.
• Wednesday morning horse rides. 
• I have a yoga book, which I really like, and a couple of exercise DVDs - I might try and work at least one of those into each week? I'm not sure yet. 
• I'm cooking for myself where I can, which is difficult in my current domestic situation, but I'll have packed lunches for work and there really aren't opportunities for snacking there.
• I am going to keep reducing the amount of cake and chocolate I eat. My binges are all, always, cake related. I am going to make sure there aren't any more of those evenings spent eating everything in sight.

And that's where we're going from here. There will probably be tears, there will definitely be posts about my self esteem woes and isolation, and the issues I have with my family and my loneliness, and you'll probably read more than you'd planned about my sexual proclivities too - and, of course, the daily food diaries and weekly weigh ins, monthly reviews. If I get brave, I might post photos when I feel great and when I feel terrible, as well. But that's it. So hello, and welcome to the journey: I'm Emma, I'm 22, and here I am earning my stars.