Ironically, I love my body tonight. I think that background to writing this will let me be more honest, and perhaps more emotionally factual, rather than just getting upset about my hideousness. I know that I am a lovely person, and I like being me and the direction my life is taking. I just don't much like the packaging that comes in. Logical brain today knows that I'm not hideous at all - but there are things I'd like to work on, and I'm going to use this blog to keep track of how I feel about myself, and what I'm doing to help move in the right direction.
I am awarding myself star stickers on my calendar for every two pounds I lose. That's where the name of this comes from. I don't want to think about 'losing' weight because that sets up negativity at the outset. A friend recently taught me the importance of using positive terms and making my own happiness. I am earning stars. I am not losing anything - except perhaps some insecurities I've carried for many many years!
It's going to be hard to stay honest, but there are going to be numbers here. I don't know whether anyone is going to see it or not - whether I just want the record for myself, or whether I want the accountability of knowing others know what I'm doing. This is thin and fragile ice, for me. I have a background of very disordered thought patterns regarding diets and weight loss. Between the ages of 14-16, all my friends came from a mental health forum, and many suffered with severe eating disorders. Aged 18, I moved in with women from that site. I developed some of their habits and security nets. I am going to record food diaries on this blog, but that might stop if I think it's triggering me. The last time I kept a food diary, it was to monitor food intake and keep that below 500 calories. I wouldn't do that now, but I'm keenly aware of how easy it is to fall back into old routines. A concerned friend took me to see the school nurse when I was at around 800/day - and she told me that was okay, because I needed to lose the weight anyway. She didn't take it seriously, and I've never forgotten it. I am no longer able to 100% trust what I think is 'right' with regards to food. Asking for advice online and writing this blog, I'm hoping that's going to help me learn new things and do this properly. I've been inspired by the writing of someone else, and want to make real positive changes.
And this is what I'm going to do:
- Walk to and from work, every day. It's about three quarters of a mile each way, so that will sneak a little bit of exercise into my days.
- Tuesday night Zumba classes.
- Wednesday morning horse rides.
- I have a yoga book, which I really like, and a couple of exercise DVDs - I might try and work at least one of those into each week? I'm not sure yet.
- I'm cooking for myself where I can, which is difficult in my current domestic situation, but I'll have packed lunches for work and there really aren't opportunities for snacking there.
- I am going to keep reducing the amount of cake and chocolate I eat. My binges are all, always, cake related. I am going to make sure there aren't any more of those evenings spent eating everything in sight.
And that's where we're going from here. There will probably be tears, there will definitely be posts about my self esteem woes and isolation, and the issues I have with my family and my loneliness, and you'll probably read more than you'd planned about my sexual proclivities too - and, of course, the daily food diaries and weekly weigh ins, monthly reviews. If I get brave, I might post photos when I feel great and when I feel terrible, as well. But that's it. So hello, and welcome to the journey: I'm Emma, I'm 22, and here I am earning my stars.
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