Denim

I had my first weigh in today after 'leaving' SW and creating my own plans.

It's now possible to proudly announce the following: I have lost 1 whole stone since the beginning of this.

A whole stone. !!

And today, I ran out of trousers. Discovered yesterday that all the ones I had, have holes in them. Tried on a pair of jeans I've had ages but not worn as they were two tight. They fit. They fit really nicely. My boyfriend has never seen me in jeans before. (He approved. Hee.) I'm a happy happy creature.

What's New

With bonus photos!





When on our trip to London a fortnight ago, the boyfriend and I got to experience the joy of Snogs. Hee. I love the pun. I got raspberries and little chocolate hearts; he got passionfruit with his raspberries. Yummy. Ta da:













Whilst away, I remembered to go into a supermarket in Chinatown to get dumpling skins and came home to make these babies. They were delicious (if we say so ourselves)! Ginger, soy and spring onion pork. Boyfriend loves dumplings, and we tagged his brother on Facebook to try and spread some friendly jealousy. Think it worked. :D

And then the other night, I made us a candlelit Sunday dinner. I'm just that kind of girl, y'see. (Also he totally spoils me and it's nice to give it back sometimes. Or to try, anyway.) All free food according to the Slimming World plan, only the gravy counted as a syn. Roast lamb, with roasted corn, broccoli and red onion, roast potatoes and carrot mash. 

It was a success. A resounding success. The chocolate cake we made today was less of a success (nice with yoghurt and berries as a kind of black forest dessert, too chocolatey on its own somehow) - though a much nicer texture than the previous slimming world cakes we've attempted.

SW Week 7: A Return

I am rereading my old posts with an ache in my chest.

I'd actually been doing really well. I got my certificate the week before last, after reaching my half stone award, and had actually lost 8.5lbs. I was so proud of myself. I tweeted the certificate, I showed everyone, I was bouncing all over the place.

Then I didn't go the week after, because I had a deadline the next day I was very unlikely to meet and needed to not spend two hours of my day out of the house and not working. The week after, having not had that incentive that Wednesday plus the added bonus of going to London for the weekend for my best friend's birthday (including beer and cakes), I didn't focus on Slimming World at all.

I went today, and in two weeks of returning to my old food habits and not thinking consciously about my choices at all, I have regained more than half of what I'd lost.

I cried a lot last night before going today, because I knew I'd have gained something and I was terrified of how much. In my heart I knew to expect 4lbs, ish. I knew what I'd been eating, and I know my body is 'used' to being fat and that giving it the sugar it wants and is used to will help it get back to its comfortable former size. Losing weight is a lot of work.

I've gained 4.5lbs in 2 weeks. I can't imagine the size I would be if I did that indefinitely. It's horrible. But I'm also devastated to have sabotaged my progress like this.

Week commencing the 5th November I was on top of the world. The little blip the fortnight before that was a mere 0.5lb gain during my period, which is something I have medical issue with anyway - if I have to gain 0.5-1lb one week a month, as long as it comes off again afterwards, I'll never beat myself up over that. I have bigger problems to worry about that week. In general the trend was definitely on the right track. I was enjoying it, and encouraged to see progress.

I am now practically back to where I started.

I suppose once I stop being so upset I'll make some plans for the week, rather than excuses - recipes I want to cook, and things to make in to be in the fridge ready, and no more cakes/treats/fun things. It's always easier at home, anyway - which in and of itself makes me worry about Christmas already, as that's another 2 weeks away from here and away from situations in which I am in control of the catering - I don't think I can cope with another instance like this.

Our group leader says she'll text me in the week. I hope she does. I nearly decided to walk away from the whole project last night, when I was in floods of tears and unable to explain to my very worried boyfriend why I was so upset.

I don't really want to give up, but I can't go through this again. Harder work needs to happen, and today I am too tired for that. He's made dinner (I'd be lost without him) and then it's back down to me to make this happen for myself.

Brownies and raspberry cream

Tonight I made us the sw recipe chocolate brownies. They're 7 syns a serving, but the slices are quite large and it definitely feels like you're getting a proper dessert! The tartness of the raspberry cream really complements it, too; though the recipe said strawberry I prefer raspberries myself (and didn't give boyfriend the choice!)

Think I'll make them again, but I wish they were more chocolatey. Not sure how I can do that without upping the syns, but I do like a challenge.

Yep, these weren't bad at all. :)

SW Week Two

Well, I went to group and got weighed again. I was very nervous - I've been ill all week and eating really rather badly at least once a day. There was my brother's leaving dinner (Chinese - delicious, but not terribly good for you (though we did our research first and choose the dishes we liked that were the most SW friendly, which turned out to be prawns with ginger and spring onion, salt and chili squid, with plain rice and just a couple of prawn crackers each)), then the next day I was incredibly stressed and bought us kebabs and pizza from the takeaway shop, then the next day I got through a whole packet of biscuits in the office, then another day we were tired and in a hurry so grabbed fish and chips en route to where we were going... the list goes on, really, and none of that made me terribly hopeful about group!

Except that I lost 2lbs. She says to not try and replicate this week (!!!) but that it's about balance, and if the rest of the time I am treating myself well then a few events of gluttony aren't going to destroy it. Which is nice to know. I don't want to think I can allow myself these things and not worry at all, but if it happens it happens. No need to get upset.

So, it's so far so good.

Today a big Tesco delivery arrived (seriously, biggest delivery ever) and we're going to be set for the next little while. I'm making brownies later too, and I hope they're a success! My pre-diet brownies were sort of legendary, so these really need to compete! And because we'd had supplies arrive, we got smoked salmon salad for lunch.

The cottage cheese based potato salad (herbs, lemon juice) might only be half a syn but is not something I'm ever going to be making again. Texture is all wrong. Didn't think I liked cottage cheese anyway, but this has reassured me I definitely do not. No thanks!

And to top it all off, this is what boyfriend came back from the supermarket with. Twelve pink roses, and earlier that afternoon he bought the most delightfully scented cherry candle. I love the ones in jars like that.

I am a very lucky girl indeed, and one who is apparently going to continue shrinking. I was talking to someone this morning about my mental health - basically telling 2008/9 me to look at where we are now and 'suck it'. Hee. But it's true. There are so many thousand times more good days than bad, now, and I've got a great job and an amazing boyfriend to snuggle and love and a cute flat and a much sunnier outlook on things. I even instigated conversation with women at the group today, of my own accord. I would never have dreamed of doing that before.

I hope this lasts forever.

Comfort Eating

I feel terrible and I want to eat everything. I want cake and chocolate and biscuits or a combination of all three.

I'm not sure when I learnt to recognise that I want to eat everything because I want to hide from how incredibly stressed I am today/at the moment. I'm probably not actually genuinely hungry.

Today has been the closest I've come to opening the emergency chocolate bar stashed in my lunchbox. At 13.5 syns I really don't want to eat it, but it's there for those occasions where you need to. I snapped the squares up inside the packet, believing I'd open it and have half (therefore half the syns and less to worry about) and then I put it down again.

I'm glad I chose against it. I think I might have to abstain from all chocolate for a while, until I trust myself around it.

So this is what I've got instead, at my desk where absolutely no work is happening (that blank page on the right? Should be full of notes by now, and an essay structure, or at least some kind of progress) - a bowl of raspberries, banana and yoghurt.

I can't say I don't still want the cake and chocolate and biscuits, but at least I know I'm not hungry now. And I can try and fool myself into being proud of being virtuous. 

I hope I remember these things over the next many weeks, because the stress levels are only going to increase. I already don't know how I'm going to manage and this is the first time I've really felt it so far. With the essays coming up it's going to get worse and worse. The emotional support I've got here is second to none, and I appreciate it more than I've got words for, but in practical terms I really don't know who to approach for advice on these essays I appear incapable of doing. (I do this every time. I get worked up, I panic, and I decide I can't do anything and must run away/drop out. And every other time so far I've ended up pulling it out of the bag and sailing through, great marks, no problem. I'm terrified this is the time that doesn't work, that I'm right in worrying, and I really can't do this.)

But I've made more Italian Chicken and Bacon soup for lunch at work this week, so at least there's that. 2 weeks today until this essay is due. I wonder how many times I'm going to not-eat-the-chocolate between now and then.

Half Syn Roulade

Om nom nom nom nom!

This afternoon I made the 'half syn roulade' for us to gorge ourselves on this evening. My success at this week's group means we needed something to celebrate, right?! (Any excuse will do, for cake. Any. Excuse. At. All.)

It's got a strange texture, and I can't decide if that's because I did something wrong or if it's because it's not really a cake at all. I decided against lemon because I didn't want to alter the recipe on my first attempt, as I wasn't sure that I knew how to fix it if I accidentally made it too wet - I know how to solve that on a normal cake, but not a nearly syn free one! (Fun fact: the only syn value in the cake comes from a teaspoon full of baking powder. I wonder why baking powder has a value?)

It's tasty though. We'll try lemon tomorrow ;)

SW Week One

I've decided that this little blog is the best way to keep spam off my Facebook and Twitter profiles and not bore all my friends to death!

Today was my first weigh in at Slimming World. We went to our first class last week, as I said already, and so this morning I saw the results of this week. I've lost 3.5lbs! :)

I didn't know what to expect - my friend lost 7 her first week, another last 2. I'm almost disappointed by mine, but it's sustainable, I hope, and we've enjoyed this week.

And we've eaten really well. Those cupcakes are chocolate and berry - and very delicious! I came home from work one night to a full roast pork dinner with balsamic roasted baby carrots and red onion, roast potatoes and the biggest mountain of broccoli and mangetout you've ever seen - and best of all, it's all 'free' foods: we'll have gravy next time, which is just 1 syn (of your daily 5-15) but yum yum yum. We even had chicken and chips for free, and because it's all home made I'm getting the satisfaction of cooking once more.

Happy times. Here's to next week - another 2.5lbs takes me into the next weight bracket, 3.5lbs would be half a stone!

I'm making a lemon roulade tonight to celebrate - 1/2 a syn for the whole thing (but we'll just have a slice each.... maybe!)

ETA I was thinking about starting a separate blog, to start afresh, but I've reread old posts and now I think it's important to keep them there, as a reminder of where I'm coming from. I hope these continue to be much more positive steps.

October 2nd

Well it's been a while.

I'm going to Slimming World tomorrow after crying at my boyfriend and deciding not to eat last night. (Actually, the arrangement was made with my friends to go to the class last week. I was just unsure whether I'd go or not, or if I liked being me.)

Life is pretty good. My boyfriend is fabulous and we've just had a lovely trip to Scotland to his family. It was really wonderful. I am a creature of the wilds and my little pagan spirit feels most at home in the vast landscapes and untamed land in every direction. His family are also lovely; we all got on well I think. And I didn't care about my weight at all, other than when photos were taken (or not, if I refused them!) but I had a brilliant time still.

Not sure how I feel, now, though. I'm worried that going to a slimming class will erode the tiny flickering flame of confidence I've got simmering (I don't always dislike how I look, it might not even be the majority of the time any more - until photos happen), I'm worried I'll become obsessive to extremes and that I'll punish myself if I 'fail' and I'm worried that it won't work and I'll always be fat.

It's just that sometimes I think being 'fat' doesn't matter, and I'm beautiful enough to get by anyway. Boyfriend thinks that, friends think that. So maybe it'll be okay. Maybe it'll be a nice social thing and I'll get some new recipes too.

We'll see.

Unrelated: Nails

I love nail polish. Any of you that know me in person have seen my many and various nail art attempts, from the flowers to the ombre to the ever-elusive french manicure.

I want to win this giveaway more than anything in the world right now. Look at it! It's beautiful!

And everything that's done on Polish and Portals is amazing, too. It's my new favourite blog.

June 16th

So I've really not been doing well at loving my body, treating it right, and making progress on the path towards making it the shape I want it to be or simply making it healthier.

In fact, for a while in the middle, I was doing pretty fucking terribly.

I had all these good intentions at the beginning, plans and ideas and Things That Would Work. Obviously, didn't. And a waver towards the #emmaismad didn't help, even though it didn't become a full on attack (or hasn't become, but hopefully we're back in control of that).

I am going on holiday next weekend, and I can't wait to be away with him and out of this town and enjoying each other's company somewhere away from HERE. We're going to Alton Towers, too, which is so so exciting. And he's asked if we can spend half a day at the Water World.

Swimwear. !!!

I do now think I've got my head around the idea. I've bought myself  a new swimsuit online last night which hopefully I won't hate myself in. I do enjoy swimming and being in the water but in a water park, there's a lot of time spent out of the water and queueing - that's the bit that's freaking me out. Right-now-this-evening I'm more excited about spending time doing something silly and playful with the boy and can't remember the anxiety I went through when he first said he'd like to do that. Which is strange, as that swimming pool promise ahead is what's driving the past two days' worth of "healthy" eating (for a given value of "healthy" - which others may disagree with) and if the anxiety has gone, why am I torturing myself?

Hmm.

Yesterday. (What I remember, anyway. I'm 99% sure I'm right.)

A nutrigrain bar. 5 slices of packet-ham. Tablespoon of Philadelphia with ~5 carrots. Tin of beans and sausages. 1 litre bottle of sparkling fruit water. 2 lucozade at work.  

Today.

 Onken yoghurt with a handful of cereal bits and 3 raisins. Half a nutrigrain bar. A 179 calorie pasta pot. A large handful of carrot sticks with a (heaped) teaspoon of Philadelphia cheese. A banana. 2/3 of a cereal bowl of special fried rice, 3 pork balls, 5 prawn crackers. 2 bottles of lucozade at work. Half a glass of cherryade tonight. Lots of water through the day.

Right now, writing things down isn't so helpful, or if it is I've got to keep every day separate and not look at any two together- the very fact that today's list fills four text lines whereas Friday was 2 is making my silly brain say "that means you ate twice as much, you ___". Not very smart. Even though nothing on that list is terrible, really. Except the lucozade, but after tomorrow I won't be having any more of that anyway.

The other thing that's noteworthy are the diet pills. I've got meal replacement protein bars that I find it very difficult to eat (they're too chewy, and it triggers a weird anxiety gag reflex thing) but that I'll probably start leaving in my desk at work anyway, just in case temptation starts kicking in? I need to take another pill tonight but I've eaten now, and they have to go on an empty stomach. I don't know if they're doing anything but I figure it can't hurt to take them anyway. (I'm a bit worried that all the confusion and mental flailing I've been doing are admittedly probably PMS but exacerbated by whatever-the-hell is in these tablets?)  There are two sets of scales in this house, and a full half stone in difference on my weight between the two. One of them would be somewhat understandable. I know I've gained weight, so the lower one would still be ludicrously high but sort of make sense somehow. The other one, half a stone more, would be the highest weight I have EVER been and would make me want to cry and hide and never be naked again. Let alone naked with the boyfriend looking/touching or nearly-naked in swimwear. And a chunk of me is convinced that I'm so big and disgusting and flabby that the top one is the more likely explanation.

I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes? I keep telling people that the swimsuit carrot diet is just that, and only going to last until I'm on holiday, but I think I'm hoping my stomach (as in, the organ) will shrink and that I'll not want to eat huge things again, ever. Or that I'll forget how much I like bread and cake and all those things and they just won't be on my radar any more?

#emmaismad

So, that nice healthy bandwagon I was on? It's lost its wheels. And the driver abandoned it. And the horses ran away. And all those kind of doom and gloomy things.

This isn't supposed to be a blog about my mental health. I'm supposed to be writing about food, here, and the new and increasingly shiny relationship I've got (or am making) with my body. And I can't do that right now.

These are the kinds of crazinesses I'm ashamed to talk about. I've gone a bit mad, I think. In the food sense, anyway. I want to be thin NOW. I want the willpower to be anorexic. I'm aware that that's an absolutely horrific thing to say but it's true, and this is my space for honesty here. I made myself sick on Saturday night when my brother was cruel about the way I eat (too noisily? disgustingly?) and whilst I know it wasn't a full purge it's still not something that needs to be happening. I am not able to write the records for the past few days as I've got no idea what I ate. And I'm probably too embarrassed to write it out anyway.

I do wish I could just stop eating. In my defence, I'm having all of these thoughts but not actually indulging in the behaviours too much. I'm not being great, I know, but it could be worse. I'm clinging to that. I'm going to work with a bit of toast in the mornings (or porridge) at about 8:30 am, and I can manage until about 4 until not eating makes me feel ill. I usually take lunch, which is crisps and a pitta bread, but recently have been going to the shop and buying a whole world of food that's really bad for me (re: the doughnut binge in the work toilets, bacon and hotdogs) - and then a dinner when I'm at home probably 60% of the time. Sometimes I just buy food to eat on the way back. Sometimes I even buy something vaguely healthy. Normally not so much.

I don't like the decisions I'm making. I really want to be thin and beautiful.

I'm terrified that the chap I'm pursuing a flirtation with will think I'm hideous if he sees me naked. That he will is 99% certain, ha. I'm rather enjoying chatting and exchanging naughty messages with him, and when he's back in town in a couple of weeks we're going to go out. Play will ensue, I'm sure. Logically I know I've got no reason to worry. The other people I've pulled in town haven't been bothered. A wise lady told me that if you don't care about your size, and just approach everything with enthusiasm anyway and the same as any thin person would, no one else is going to be bothered. There's clearly a reason they've tried to get into your bed in the first place, right? Right. And he's got a kid, so he's probably slept with a fat girl before - pregnancy doesn't leave you a size 8 throughout, normally.

Usually I pursue people who have openly expressed interest in fat girls, those carrying a few (or more than a few) pounds, people who say they love a BBW. I don't call myself that, but at least those chasers are going to  find me attractive? Heh.

And the stinging from the healing of my brand is reminding me a lot of self injury pain, and it's really quite triggering on that front. Which isn't great. I'm definitely not about to go start hurting myself again - I enjoy too much the amusing fact that the last time I cut myself was the night of the last general election, when the Conservatives 'won', and I watched the results coming in from the various boroughs from the reception at A&E as I was getting glued back together. Awesome. Heh.

I really want to be thin, and beautiful. I bought new clothes again today and I know I look okay, but I just want to be thin. I feel like when I go out, people don't know what I'm hiding under my dresses and stuff, that my face is really rather lovely and I've got a relatively nice overall shape (also great boobs) but that no one is going to know about the folds and rolls and awful body hiding away and that they'll be shocked and disgusted when we're actually naked together.

*flail*

This is not the way that it's supposed to be.

End of week one/day eight

So, I weighed myself this morning for the end of the first week thingy. I'll admit I was quite disappointed. I haven't lost anything at all. On the other hand, I wasn't expecting anything huge. As I've said, at the moment I'm trying to set myself up so that when we hit April, I've got better habits in place to start the real concerted effort then. Even so, I'm disappointed.

After that, I was ready to write a blog about the clothes shopping and how I'm still learning important things about myself through this, and a generally positive tone. That sort of fell apart during a binge at work, when I ended up nearly having a panic attack, going to the shop, buying doughnuts and then hiding in a toilet to eat them. I even dropped one on the floor in the shop, but because it was the last one I couldn't put it back. The assistant offered to get me more but I just wanted to buy them and get out. I ate them even though I didn't like them, or want them, and they didn't really make me feel any better. Not that it ever does.

So I've re-learnt that eating is a response to anxiety, which doesn't surprise me - "comfort food" is a thing for a good reason. Anyway. I got really quite angry at myself for that, eventually, once I'd got through the anxiety attack and the deep sadness. Today wasn't a great day. At all. I got home massively hungry, like I'd eaten nothing all day, and whilst I have been relatively sensible since then, I think I'm scared I've undone all of my good work so far.

Anyway. Onwards and upwards, yes? I still like myself, that's important. I had a really important thing switch in my head whilst back in London for a couple of days - that all of the choices I'm making at the moment are towards something really big, much bigger than anything so far. I would like to change the way I look, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the way I look at the moment. In fact, some people are especially taken with the way I look right now. Some people have even called me beautiful. And I like being me. My self worth isn't based 100% on what the scales say - and that's huge news, I've never been on a diet before that wasn't just about success v failure. This is a positive change, but it not happening? Won't ruin my life. Won't be the end of the world. I'm sat here hungry right now, and I could go get some food - but I don't need to eat and eat myself senseless - that's incredible. I'm bored and antsy (post anxiety antsy, plus other things) and cold but food isn't going to help with that.

So it could be much much worse. It really could. I'm not going to let one day of horrible eating make tomorrow bad too. I need to learn how to tell what is 'genuine' hunger and what is a hunger created by my brain as evasion of other things, but I hope/think that'll come in time.

Day 8
Porridge with 2 tsp sugar
2 lemon meringue doughnuts
Pitta bread with philadelphia
Skips
2 chocolate covered chocolate filled doughnuts
500ml full fat cherry coke
Pork chop, boiled potatoes, carrots, gravy
1 glass coke zero

I walked to work, but not home from there.

___

And actually, written like that, it doesn't look like a huge disastrous amount of food. Not a good mindset at all, and if I can avoid another panic/anxiety attack and getting so worked up, that'd be fab - I can't believe I got to the point of hiding in a loo to eat. I really can't.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Day seven

Breakfast
2 slices brown toast with marmite

Lunch
Chinese buffet (om nom nom so much food)

2 glasses of diet Pepsi

Dinner
2 boiled eggs with white bread soldiers

Snack
2 creme eggs.

Exercise20 minute walk.

___

Today has been a real success in terms of self esteem. I did clothes shopping and came away happy. I'm exhausted, or I'd write more (I travelled home again today) but I hope to tomorrow.

Also tomorrow is my first weigh in and weekly review, so, eek!

Day six

Breakfast
2 slices white toast and marmite

Lunch
2 small cereal bars

McDonalds chicken meal (c.600 calories)

Dinner
Haddock fillet, stir fried vegetables and baby potatoes

Apple pie ice cream

Exercise

Did a fair bit of walking. I think.

___

This was the night I spent back with my friends in London. One cooked us a fabulous meal in the evening,  and I was really pleased with myself for not being a complete twat about the McDonalds and going crazy about it. 

Day five

Breakfast
Porridge with 2 tsp sugar
Tropical fruit juice

Lunch
Ham and philadelphia cheese pitta bread
Cheese string
Packet of French Fries
2 doughnuts

Dinner
7 chicken nuggets
Small amount of rice and curry sauce

Tea
2 slices of toast with marmite.

Exercise
20 minute walk - but not a terribly quick one.

_____

Today is the first day I've actually had to battle with crazy person thoughts. The toast this evening was a bit of brain compromise: I felt like I had to eat something and my brain was taking that idea and running with it. So instead of eating the half a cake that's left in the kitchen (of which I've had none, fyi) or going to the shops and stocking up on biscuits, I had some marmitey toast. It's totally not the same, but I think it should mean I can cope until bedtime.

Basically today, the doughnuts I had at lunch time really triggered me. I hope that one day I can have delicious treats like that and not freak the hell out - but that day isn't yet, and that's okay too. So anyway, once I'd had that, I'd mentally written today off. I had a huge debate with myself in the supermarket. "Don't you want to be thin, Emma? Yes, but. Doughnuts. You'll always look like this. Nothing will change. Not if you make these kinds of choices, no. Shut up." I bought Smarties after that, but realised that eating them wouldn't make me happier. As such, when I got home I decided I really ought not to have any dinner - to "make up for" the doughnuts. That's also a neat trick I play with myself. Dinner was nice, though, just not enough. I'm having such difficulty telling the difference between 'real' hunger and 'I really want to eat something because I'm __' hunger - and they're really not the same thing at all.

I still think my head is making progress. Probably. I've realised that my head likes it a lot when the next day's diary entry of food is shorter than the previous, but that I've noticed that pattern is a good thing. I still need to get more fruit and vegetables into the day, and more exercise, but I'm doing okay overall I think. And tomorrow will be a happy day back with my friends, and I'm having a Starbucks come hell or high water.

Day four

Breakfast
Gregg's yoghurt granola thingy
Gregg's Belgian bun

Lunch
Gregg's chicken and bacon roll
Dairylea strip cheese
Bottle of Ribena

Dinner
Bowl of sweet and sour chicken (homemade) with about 2 good tbsp of rice.

___

I was hungover as aaaaall hell today. Had an amazing night out - with three million calories consumed in alcohol but a few burnt off dancing and horizontally (snicker) - but today I totally paid for that. Got about 1 hour of sleep, too, which doesn't help. But actually, for saying how crap I felt - I didn't revert to eating a load of terrible stuff to make myself feel better. I am pleased with that!

Day three

Breakfast
Porridge with 2 tsp of sugar
Small apple juice

Snack
One of those 'special K snack pack' doo dahs. 99calorie crunchy bite thingies.

Lunch
Ham and pickle wholemeal pitta bread (they've been wholemeal throughout, but this is the first day I thought to mention that)
Dairylea strip cheese string
Skips
2x 'Galaxy moments' chocolates

Dinner
Bacon bap
3 biscuits

Tea
Homemade (by me!) chicken and ham sweet chilli fried rice. Which is really not so good for you. Also portion, Emma, please god learn them soon.
Glass of lemonade.

_____

I'm also going on out a bit of a night tonight, and alcohol probably counts as part of my daily intake. Eek.

Today's been really hard, food wise. Wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on. Wanted to go to the shop and buy entire packets of biscuits and chocolates and cakes. Did buy a packet of cookies, but had three before I realised what I was doing and gave them all away. I think that's a small success, which I need to remember.

Also today is the second day in a row in which I've exceeded my 2 litre of water a day thing, so that's a bonus too.

Day two

Breakfast
Porridge, made with dried blueberries thrown in (about a tbsp?) and 2 tsp honey on top
Small glass apple juice

Lunch
Ham and pickle pitta bread
French Fries
Strip cheese string
Tiny chocolate egg (1)

Other(s)
One 'Chorley oatcake' - which I shouldn't have had, as it was horrible
One cup hot chocolate
2 nutrigrain bars
6-8 strawberries
6 breadsticks with onion and garlic creamy dip

Dinner
Homemade sweet and sour chicken with pasta.

Exercise
Walked one way to work.

____

Okay, so food wise today, it's kind of sucked. I got kept at work for much longer than I'd planned, so had to go find food at work - hence the nutrigrain bars - and then I ended up caving and nibbling breadsticks and strawberries at the launch party I'd been kept at work to help with. I think it could have been much worse, though. Really. And it's only day two, and I'm still doing okay on the cake/chocolate/eating everything  front.

Honesty and commitment

Sometimes I lie to myself.

Like when I just don't think about what I'm doing. I forget what I'm putting into my mouth, even when I try to remember it all. I look at photographs and remember how uncomfortable I felt, not how special an evening was. I feel lonely so I think I've got no friends. My brain is a strange funny place.

I'm aware with this blog, and daily food observations, of the need to hide even more. What if someone looks at what I've eaten and thinks how disgusting I am, how much I've eaten? I am terrified of that kind of judgement.

I am trying to be totally honest, here. I can't always be honest everywhere - a girl at work apparently lost four stone, and someone else was very blunt about the way she looked before. I didn't know her then. But I got that kind of stabbing pain in my chest - I can't admit that I'd like to lose close to that much too, without drawing attention to myself and how big I am at the moment.

Sometimes, I really like the way I look. I just don't always think that other people will agree with that. When I dress up nicely, I'm scared to draw people's gazes to me - what if they laugh at me, for thinking that a girl like me could look hot, and be confident, and hold a room. Hold the moment. I can't do that so much, yet. I can on stage, when I'm someone else and there's talent to hide behind. And I kind of can as an exhibitionist, when they're not looking at who I am but what I'm doing. But sometimes, I really do like how I look. Sometimes I even like my stomach, for all it's flab and stretch marks and scars.

I am going to try and be honest, here. There aren't going to be many people reading, I don't think, but that doesn't matter- lying to myself isn't going to get me out of the situation I'm in, and I really want to be in a different physical position at the end of the next six months.

Lying to myself won't get me there.

I need to make a proper commitment to doing this, properly, and making some serious changes. I think getting there is going to be really difficult. I am going to personify the battle, I think, as some kind of fuzzy creature I can tame. Right now my body thinks it's hungry, but I'm pretty sure that's not an honest feeling, just habit. And lies.

So I'm making a toast to honesty, I think, and leaning to remember to be honest with myself above all else. That piece of cake won't matter to anyone else but me, and I can't hide from the things I put into my own body.

Day one

Breakfast
Porridge with a bit of sugar
Apple juice

Lunch
Ham and pickle wrap (homemade)
Cheesestring
Skips (at 88 calories a packet, I think these are the crisps for me. Also they're delicious.)
A mini chomp (the 4cm long ones)
A Gregg's lemon muffin - because the team were going out and my willpower caved the second time I was asked what I wanted

Snack
A teeny piece of a colleague's birthday cake
Four mini eggs
Two toffees and a sherbet lemon

Dinner
Slices of roast chicken with gravy and a jacket potato
4 small chocolate chip cookies
1 tablespoon full of dip

Exercise
Walked one way to work.

Exercise

The difficult thing is, there are lots of exercises I'd like to do but that I feel I'm currently too fat for. It's a bit of a catch 22.

I really want to learn to tap dance, but the thought of being in a room full of people who are watching me lumber around the place erratically - and in front of mirrors - that's terrible. I also really desperately want to learn to pole dance, but I know that my physical fitness and (lack of) upper body strength categorically prohibits that for the time being. Both of those are things I've been interested in for a significant amount of time. And both are things I'm using to bribe myself with, somehow. I'm not sure that that makes sense at all, but in my mind, when I get to a point with my body and fitness that I'd be okay to go, I will start attending.

Until then, I'm left doing exercises that are less public - and that's okay too. I'm wondering whether I might start going for a jog in the mornings, as I'm always awake far earlier than I need to be for work, and it might be nice to have that quiet time on the beach by myself too. I'd need to plan time to shower and dry my hair before work, but I think that'd be okay. I'm going to think about the logistics tomorrow. I have the Couch To 5k podcasts on my ipod and I am hoping to get myself an iPhone at some point soon, which means I can get the Zombie Run game/programme thingy, which I'm told is also rather awesome. Early in the mornings there shouldn't be anyone around who would judge me, or make me feel self conscious. And exercise does set you up into a good mood for the rest of the day, doesn't it? I'm really enjoying walking more, now that it's sunny and I can be in the fresh air and Spring is here, with its birds and ladybugs and bits of seaside happiness.

I've got my bike, and I think I'm going to try and do at least one bit of cycling per week. The most obvious opportunity I've got for that is the cycle to the riding school, where I've got a weekly riding lesson set up (or will have, very soon) and get to horse ride my way to lovely toned thighs. I'm worried that cycling to get to another form of exercise might kill me, but it's not really that far and I wouldn't have to go quickly. We'll try it a few times and decide then, I think! I really hated cycling to work: there weren't suitable places to leave my bike safely, and it made me feel so hideous and hot an unattractive when I arrived. Not fun. I think that put me off. And, finally, there's the zumba class. I loved zumba before, with all of my heart. It was such. good. fun. I'm really inordinately worried about bumping into someone from work there, who might recognise me and then we're back to worrying about being seen all disgusting and sweaty and red - but that's why I'm taking my mother to the first class, both so that she can give it a go and perhaps find she enjoys it, and also so that I know someone there and will have a bit of a security system in being able to pretend I'm only there for her!

Someone on another blog mentioned that it's important to get 'accidental exercise' into the day, so the things like walking to work or cycling to the shop - because it's good for you but doesn't feel like a chore. That's what I'm going to work on, I think. I haven't mentioned here yet but what I'm trying to do is set up the beginnings of habits and patterns so that by the start of April, I can hit the ground running. My first zumba class here will be April 3rd, my riding booked for the 4th. I've got until April to dig out my old favourite healthy recipes, convince my mother to let me cook  some more on my own, and establish morning routines that involve being active and/or just getting my head into the right place to make this a proper success.

The time is now.

I've recently been in real conflict with my self esteem.

Ironically, I love my body tonight. I think that background to writing this will let me be more honest, and perhaps more emotionally factual, rather than just getting upset about my hideousness. I know that I am a lovely person, and I like being me and the direction my life is taking. I just don't much like the packaging that comes in. Logical brain today knows that I'm not hideous at all - but there are things I'd like to work on, and I'm going to use this blog to keep track of how I feel about myself, and what I'm doing to help move in the right direction.

I am awarding myself star stickers on my calendar for every two pounds I lose. That's where the name of this comes from. I don't want to think about 'losing' weight because that sets up negativity at the outset. A friend recently taught me the importance of using positive terms and making my own happiness. I am earning stars. I am not losing anything - except perhaps some insecurities I've carried for many many years!

It's going to be hard to stay honest, but there are going to be numbers here. I don't know whether anyone is going to see it or not - whether I just want the record for myself, or whether I want the accountability of knowing others know what I'm doing. This is thin and fragile ice, for me. I have a background of very disordered thought patterns regarding diets and weight loss. Between the ages of 14-16, all my friends came from a mental health forum, and many suffered with severe eating disorders. Aged 18, I moved in with women from that site. I developed some of their habits and security nets. I am going to record food diaries on this blog, but that might stop if I think it's triggering me. The last time I kept a food diary, it was to monitor food intake and keep that below 500 calories. I wouldn't do that now, but I'm keenly aware of how easy it is to fall back into old routines. A concerned friend took me to see the school nurse when I was at around 800/day - and she told me that was okay, because I needed to lose the weight anyway. She didn't take it seriously, and I've never forgotten it. I am no longer able to 100% trust what I think is 'right' with regards to food. Asking for advice online and writing this blog, I'm hoping that's going to help me learn new things and do this properly. I've been inspired by the writing of someone else, and want to make real positive changes.

 And this is what I'm going to do:

• Walk to and from work, every day. It's about three quarters of a mile each way, so that will sneak a little bit of exercise into my days.
• Tuesday night Zumba classes.
• Wednesday morning horse rides. 
• I have a yoga book, which I really like, and a couple of exercise DVDs - I might try and work at least one of those into each week? I'm not sure yet. 
• I'm cooking for myself where I can, which is difficult in my current domestic situation, but I'll have packed lunches for work and there really aren't opportunities for snacking there.
• I am going to keep reducing the amount of cake and chocolate I eat. My binges are all, always, cake related. I am going to make sure there aren't any more of those evenings spent eating everything in sight.

And that's where we're going from here. There will probably be tears, there will definitely be posts about my self esteem woes and isolation, and the issues I have with my family and my loneliness, and you'll probably read more than you'd planned about my sexual proclivities too - and, of course, the daily food diaries and weekly weigh ins, monthly reviews. If I get brave, I might post photos when I feel great and when I feel terrible, as well. But that's it. So hello, and welcome to the journey: I'm Emma, I'm 22, and here I am earning my stars.